laundry

Around here, we have our "chores"...Mel is in charge of laundry, and I do dishes. Tonight, my washer woman was at it again. Usually, you wear your clothes, take 'em off and throw them into the hamper at the end of the day, right? Not here. I am hunted down for the clothing on my back, and ordered to strip, and put my clothes in the wash. Sometimes, she's forceful: "get those clothes off, NOW, and get 'em in the machine". I must be bucking it too much, because tonight it was this:
M: "are you gonna get into your pajamas soon?"
A: "not right now" (I can smell bleach wafting up from the laundry room, so I know she's up to something)
M: "well, I think you should put 'em on" (she's eyeing my clothes)
A: "I just put this on!"
M: "well, I'm doing a load of whites, and I want the white clothing you have on"
A: "can't I pee first?"
M: "NO!"
Now, I'm moving a little bit slowly this evening due to moving a large load of bricks out of the back of the pickup, and my back is feeling the bite, plus I got the damned limp back, so, I'm not moving FAST ENOUGH.......
M: "why are you limping?"
A: "because my back is sore and my leg is numb"
M: "well, I'll help you get into your pajamas"
(I'm thinking, hmmmmmmm....this could be a fun laundry night) she herds me down to the basement......
"M: "ok, what do you wanna wear? shorts or pants?"
AND PROCEEDS TO STRIP ME DOWN, AND SHE WANTS ALL OF IT, ALL OF IT AND DO IT NOW BECAUSE THE DAMNED WASHER IS RUNNING AND YOU'RE TOO  SLOW AND THAT MEANS THE T-SHIRT, TOO, AND LETS SEE WHAT UNDERPANTS YOU HAVE ON OH I DON'T WANT THOSE BECAUSE I'M DOING A LOAD OF WHITES GET 'EM IN, GET 'EM IN NOW!!!!!!
One time, I had just put on a clean t-shirt, wore it for 2 hours, only to be ordered to PUT IT IN THE MACHINE.
I see my future. I'm gonna be the old, demented bag that fights to keep an outfit on after wearing it for a month, and she's gonna be the one stripping me....and saying, "don't fight me, 'cuz you'll never win".
And dammit, she's right.

The Rummage Sale...by Guest blogger, "A"

Since I'm too tired mentally, emotionally and physically from this past weekend, I invited my sweetie to share a story about yours truly. When it happened Friday she told me I should make it a blog post but I don't think I could have described myself as well as she can. Hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: In no way did Melissa influence or have control over any my posting..I won't let her.

Hello, Mels way or no way friends.......I really feel the need to share my experiences of this past weekend, especially of the big rummage sale. Now mind you, my sweetie, Mel and I have discussed having this event since last fall.  It was time to get rid of some shit so we can BUY more new shit that we can sell 5 years down the road.  We had planned to set up Saturday, but since our plans for Friday evening changed, it was decided to set up early for Friday sales. As soon as I set out the first few items, it sparked interest with people DOWN THE BLOCK. I was waiting for Mel to bring out some more stuff, needed to run in and get some change, AND grab more stuff to set up....needless to say, we did get most of our shit out there. We were both standing in the yard and quietly conversing during a lull, when a gentleman approached us, asking about a surround sound system. Mel immediately backs up and let's me handle the "sale". No problem. A few minutes later, I needed to grab something from in the house, and I ask Mel to "mind the store":
ME: "Hey hon, can you keep an eye on this stuff?"
Mel: (Eyes widen, pupils dilate, nostrils flare.)  Suspicious voice: "where are you going?"
ME: "just in the house, I gotta grab blahblablah"
Mel: "what if someone comes?!?"
ME: "handle the sale..."
Mel: "What?!? I can't negotiate! You're the negotiator!"
ME: " Well, I'll be right back"
Mel:  (hissing)"Don't go  away!!!! There's people coming!"


Well. They say you marry your parent, and Mel has tendencies my father has. Key word is tendencies.  I just realized then and there she's full bore Dad. Totally dislikes people, hates dealing with them. Will tolerate them, but after 8 hours of dealing with people, would prefer to cocoon into his personal space. Will occasionally fuck with their heads for his own personal enjoyment. That is my sweetheart.  Now, I like to have a little fun, and here was an opportunity to see how far I could push her buttons.

Me:  " Hey, I'm gonna run in and grab my coffee"
Mel:  (alarmed look) "what am I supposed to do?!?"
Me: "nobody is coming-you're ok"
Mel: "Well HURRY UP!"
I come back just in time to see a very wired looking Mel, wild eyed, breathing heavily.... in my yard, ready to bolt.... I see the source of her distress....2 people looking at the Mountain Bikes. I'm beginning to enjoy this....
....a few minutes later, I make the comment about putting a beer in the 'fridge and head towards the door. She walks rapidly up to me, very stiff, and says thru clenched teeth..."there'speopletherespeoplecomingthey'recoming!!!!!" and "I'll put the beer in the fridge!"
Hmmm....what else can I do....I like this, because she's willingly doing stuff for me.....
Me: "hon, I gotta run...." which is cut off by Mel looking like a wild animal:
Mel: "Youcan'tgoseetherearemorepeoplecomingYOUNEEDTOTAKECAREOFTHIS!!!Seethepeoplethere'speopletehpeople!!!"

Which kind of reminds me of that movie Sybil...when Sybil is freaking out in her shrink's office and is walking on the furniture intoning "thepeoplethepeoplethepeople....."

Awhile later, she's completely disappeared. Then I see her, hiding in the camper, trying to look busy. I'm so onto her.
She's my freak, and I love her.
And that my friends, is the REAL Mel.