Tonight I was doing my regular dinner preparation for the dogs. Here there is not just throwing some kibble in a bowl. There is food to be soaked and softened for the old toothless dogs, chicken to be cleaned and divided evenly (okay, I admit the old man gets a little extra) and all the while there is dancing and leaping and scratching and woo-wooing and the chirping of LuLu. Tonight during all this chaos, A stood leaning against the counter watching. When I asked her what she was smiling about she just simply stated "If this all ended tomorrow, you would miss it." I rolled my eyes and sighed and muttered sarcastically about this glorious existence I live. This is how I've spent almost every evening for the past 5 years and she's right, I wouldn't change a thing.

I've been a bit absent here but I have a good excuse; once again my procrastination has caught up to me. I've been cramming some online continuing education classes in to complete my licensure requirements. Suddenly, it's my birthday month and I find myself unprepared. I'm happy to finally have that done. In two years, I'll probably find myself in the same boat. I've also taken on some new responsibilities with the rescue. Somehow I fell into Home Visit Coordinator for the Midwest. Huh? It is basically working with other rescues to find people to complete the home visit in areas where we don't have our own volunteers. The woman who was handling it had some medical issues with her husband so she's got her hands full. I have no experience but I'm sure I will find my way and I have great experienced people guiding me.

We also had a visitor for a week. Miss Leaha was our first foster. When she was adopted I cried for a week even though she was rowdy, unruly and bossy. She was adopted by a woman and then returned to rescue 7 months later because the woman was working all the time and Leaha was alone too much. Since then she has been in another foster home, but we wanted to get her into an area where she could get more exposure. She came here on a stop and then onward to South Dakota. She's such a pretty girl; almost 4 years old and still looks like a puppy. I was happy to see she's not quite as sassy these days.

Last Saturday we spent the whole day at PetsMart for an adoption event. There's no way to describe it except exhausting. Still we packed up all the dogs and supplies and hauled everyone out into the cold rain in hopes of finding someone a home. This little girl Cassie is always a star and charms everyone, but for some reason she's still here. Don't tell A that I really don't mind since she's my little cuddle buddy most evenings.

Maybe I need to start dressing them up like this...Oh, I want to so badly!

May 1st we woke up to 33 degrees and snow flurries. We said fuck it and brought the RV home anyway. I'm happy to report it started right up and we had no mouse damage. We have just four short weeks until we leave on our first road trip of the season. Honestly, it's all I can think about these days. I NEED to get he hell out of town. I'm hoping that a vacation will drastically change my point of view.

It's a Blizzard, Baby!

It's cold, cold and fucking cold out there! That's my life here now and I'm sorry for the repetition. So another weekend at home, 20 inches of snow, wind, drifting, everything in the lower half of the state closed down. Even the roof of the Metrodome collapsed and now the poor Vikings are homeless. As if I care. I wouldn't care much normally and I care even less now.

As I stood outside shoveling poop fields for the dogs, bundled up so much I resembled the little brother from "A Christmas Story", with wind gusts blowing snow in my face, I should have known it was a sign...stormy weather coming back into my life. It's been too quiet for too long. The barometer drops and everyone goes crazy.

My dad and his family and my mom are all just getting into the game again. Dad has always been a master manipulator, now throw in a stroke, dementia, depression and the loss of control (over his body and his life) and you have manipulation to the extreme. He calls people, pushing buttons, trying to play people against each other, twisting things said/did to suit his purpose. I haven't talked to him in weeks until this weekend. I would call over and over but he wouldn't answer his phone. Friday night mom calls telling me that dad wants to come back to Minnesota, he's lonely, scared, etc. Then she's spewing all this stuff about how he's not being fed or properly cared for and on, and on, and on. I try to calm her down...I want to talk to him myself. So Sunday I finally get a chance and I just listen. I tell him that if he wants to come back to MN we can try to get things arranged but it's not going to be something that can be done overnight. He has unrealistic expectations about returning here and trying to live on his own. I know that in reality he won't be any happier living here. His condition will be the same, he will have the same complaints and the manipulations will continue. I spoke to my older brother to get his perspective and we both agreed that at least until spring we are not even going to consider moving him back.

Tonight is my late night at work and I came home to find the nastiest, rude message from my dad's sister on my voicemail. I haven't spoken to her since October, but she was accusing me of things and honestly I had no idea what she was talking about....but I have a pretty good idea where this is coming from. Honestly, throughout everything I've felt very appreciative of all that she's taken on helping dad. I realize what a lot of work it has been for her. So now I'm still awake, I have to work tomorrow and there is nothing more frustrating that getting those kinds of messages late at night when there is nothing you can say or do about them at the time. Maybe it's for the best since when I get so angry, I cry and then it's hard to communicate. But shit, it really fucks up my sleep cycle!

Really, all I want is peace and quiet. Just living my life here with A, taking care of the pups, doing my rescue duties, taking care of the things I need to and otherwise just finding happiness in what I can. I don't like people interfering in my life and try to extend the same courtesies to others. I'm really at the point of washing my hands with the whole situation and with every drama, I'm finding the sense of duty and the guilt I carry around about "being there" slipping away.

The Sun Will Come Up Tomorrow

Only it will be an hour earlier. I guarantee I will not be up to see it on a Sunday morning. I will be snuggled and warm in my bed with fresh clean sheets and fresh clean dogs to match. I don't know how fresh and clean A will be. :) I've watched a few lovely sunrises the last few weeks as I drove to work but I'm really more of a sunset person. Friday night we had such a beautiful evening; there was no wind and the lakes were as smooth as glass. It makes for some beautiful scenery when I take the time to enjoy. I didn't have my camera with me but I took this picture about 5 miles from my home one other night when the sky looked very similar.

I can't believe Halloween came and went. A and I were just not in the mood this year. The Saturday night before we went to hang out with our friend, Faye, while her boyfriend JK (the Elvis impersonator) performed. She got a costume the week before but just wasn't feeling it at all that night either. The three of us sat toward the back, ate pizza, people watched and gossiped. JK has his groupies and some are there so often they have become part of the act. I'm always flabbergasted by the number of drunks who yell at a man dressed as Elvis to "sing some Johnny Cash!" It never fails and JK has actually worked it into his act and will sing a song if it's requested. That night some drunk guy dressed as a sheik took it a step further by thinking it was karaoke. He stumbled and muttered the lyrics for the first half of the song and Elvis actually had to catch him before he took out a speaker.

Halloween evening we had beautiful weather. Most of the time it's very cold and the kids have to be bundled up over their costumes. One year it was so frigid and blowing sleet so parents were driving their kids door-to-door.  We had our light on, pumpkin carved and lit and a huge bowl of candy. We popped Jiffy Pop and watched scary movies. We waited for hours and only had 5 trick-or-treaters (3 of them live on my street)! I live in town but I'm on a dead end street and I think the kids just don't come over this way. I could stand on my front porch and hear the kids on the other side of the park. Anyway that means I had a huge bowl of candy left that I promptly threw in the freezer. A only carved one pumpkin this year but she said I was her inspiration.

Halloween I decided to extend the olive branch to my younger brother after our bitchy late night conversation 2.5 weeks prior. He didn't answer and didn't return my call. Later that night I thought I would check my sister-in-law's Facebook to see if she posted pictures of my nephews in their costumes. That's when I found I had been blocked by her.

Really?!!!! It really wasn't that big of a disagreement. I just told him I was tired of the bitching and he should help mom after all the help she's given him. I had not written one thing about the situation on FB either. There's the part of me that thinks "it's only FB" and it's infantile behavior but there's that other part of me that can't help but feel hurt. I don't regret what I said and if I had the chance to do it again, I would say it exactly the same. I only spoke the truth. Tonight I realized I have now been de-friended by my bother, his wife and my oldest nephew. It's only FB, right?  I admit I cried. It hurts. They've done a lot of stupid things, have had a rocky marriage both personally and financially and I have stood by through a lot of shit and only spoke up once when the kids were getting affected by their parents' behavior. So now I'm cut off for daring to say one thing against them.

So tonight I'll cry and feel the hurt. I'll mourn the fact that during the last year my family has disintegrated and morphed into people I hardly recognize. I'll think about the last time I saw my nephews in the hospital in Ohio when they came to see Dad after his stroke. I'll remember how my 10 year old nephew cuddled up next to me at the hotel and we cried together. He's so smart and sensitive...way too mature for his age and worries all the time about his parents and the things he has no control over. I have always seen a whole lot of myself in that boy.  I'll hate how they use their children as emotional blackmail. I'll want to get in the car, drive 5.5 hours and confront them. Instead I will cry it out, go to bed, curl up next to A and whisper how much I love her, hug my fur-kids (and fosters too) and think of the wonderful friends in my life who have become my real family. The sun will come up tomorrow; I'll feel better after getting it out tonight and I'll never let them see how much it hurts.

Silence Broken

I can't believe it's been a month since I posted. Time has been flying and I'm running to keep up. Every time I've attempted to write, I just can't find the words. There has been so much drama lately and I have not known where to start. So this will likely be just a long post about what I'm dealing with right now---You are warned.

I know I've written about my father being diagnosed with rectal cancer last September. He went through a lot of testing and finally started 5 weeks of chemotherapy and radiation around Thanksgiving. He did very well through his treatments and then had surgery at the beginning of March. For the most part, he came through that pretty well too. Then in May he started another 4 months of chemotherapy. He was feeling great and even went back to work part-time while he was finishing his treatments. Two weeks ago he returned to Ohio to visit his brother and sister like he does every year around this time. After a couple days, he started having trouble breathing and was admitted to the hospital and diagnosed with congestive heart failure. His heart was only working at 15% and they had to remove fluid from inside and outside his lungs as well as around his heart. The doctors believe the chemo has damaged his heart and it's very weak. I have to agree since he had multiple tests on his heart prior to starting his first chemotherapy and again before he had surgery in March and all tests came back okay.

Last Thursday he was released from the hospital and my older brother was planning to fly down over the weekend and drive him home. I went to bed at 11:30pm Thursday night and at 12:30am my older brother called to tell me dad had a stroke and was airlifted to Ohio State University hospital. I immediately got up and started packing to leave but by 2am I had been up nearly 24 hours and A insisted I try to get some sleep before making the drive.

Friday while I was on the road, I got a call from the doctor telling me that there was nothing they could do to treat dad. His heart was only working at 10% and he was forming blood clots and had one near his heart. They couldn't give him blood thinners for the clots because of the hemorrhage in his brain. In the doctor's opinion, dad only had 2-3 days to live. My older brother was flying out in the morning and my younger brother was on the road from South Dakota. I got into Columbus early Saturday morning and the outlook was not very good.

It was a long weekend but somehow by Monday morning dad had improved and was actually joking around with the doctor when he came in during rounds. The doctor told us he was amazed to see dad still alive and apologized for his call on Friday. Monday they started treating him with blood thinners for the clots. On Tuesday they moved dad out of ICU and today they moved him to the rehab part of the hospital. He is not really in the clear though. His heart is still very weak and there's a real possibility of another clot causing a stroke or heart attack or his heart just failing completely. At this point it's still one day at a time. Tuesday I had to make the decision about when I had to leave and come home. Tuesday night I was back on the road to Minnesota. My brother left Tuesday too. Even though the reality is that I need to return to work and I can't just sit there indefinitely, I can't help but feel guilty like I'm dumping the situation on my aunt and uncle. Dad refuses to return to MN; he wants to stay in OH for rehab and make it a permanent move.  Now I'm so far away and have to handle things. This weekend  my brother and I are moving everything out of his apartment and putting it in storage. There's just a lot to figure out and I'm trying to avoid some other people's drama (mainly my mother's). Mom drama is the topic of a whole other post. It's too exhausting to think about...or write about.

So that's what's happening in my life right now. It didn't help me to be away from A for so long. We were in constant contact but I just felt lost without her. She was at home with the dogs and feeling guilty for not being with me. When she came home from work Wednesday, we just curled up and I slept the best sleep I had in days. You can't pay for therapy that works any better than that.

Yeah, I guess I'm in a mood.

It's a beautiful afternoon, I stayed home from work, the dogs are bathed, the house is cleaned and now I can sit on the patio and sun myself. Around here the house has been full of stress this week. The facility A works at is currently going through their annual state inspection and when you're the one in charge you feel the weight of it full on your shoulders. She's been questioned daily by inspectors while having them dig through paperwork and questioning the rationale behind every decision all while trying to maintain her normal work. When she came home Wednesday night she had already put in 40 hours this week with 2 days to go.

I've been trying to stay on top of things around the house but when you have two OCD, control-freaks living under the same roof it can be slightly interesting. I can't help but be amazed how when we moved in together we just sort of divided up the chores. I hate to do dishes, she hates laundry and so it all works itself out. But let one of us step into the other's place and watch the fireworks begin. Last night I got the "well I usually do it this way" and I got annoyed and snapped back "well it got done and that's all that matters". Her patience is shot and mine is wearing thin as we found out during a 1am argument. Have you ever woke out of a dead sleep and got into an argument? A barking dog woke her, she was yelling and I woke up and started yelling at her to stop yelling. Yeah, that's how much sense you have when you're half asleep and bitching at each other. We made up around 5am and now I can't help but laugh at how stupid the whole thing was.

So I got to stay home today and that was just fine by me. I am really in no mood to look at one more 5 year old child with bombed out teeth due to poor diet/poor oral hygiene/lack of dental care. Some days I can't help but question when the line between ignorance and neglect is crossed. I suppose that is just an opinion though and we all have plenty of those. So on I go just trying to educate and encourage and convince parents about what is the best treatment and hoping they will put their child's needs ahead of their own need for the cigarettes and tattoos. Yes, I did say tattoos. I personally have nothing against tattoos except when I have a child in pain from their teeth hurting and a parent sitting there reeking of cigarette smoke and sporting an entire forearm (wrist to elbow) of new tattoo (still swollen and starting to peel) and tell you they can't afford to have treatment. Yes, this is a true story and happened to me several weeks ago. One of these days my "censor" button is going to overload. The sad truth is that even with universal health care, I still doubt they would get things taken care of. There are a large number of  people who have full coverage but still don't bring their children in for preventative care or have treatment completed even though it's not costing them a penny. So there you go...just another opinion.

I need a break from my co-workers too. I'm still really bothered by the behavior of some of them when we had a transgendered male to female patient come the other day. There is really no need for such ignorance these days and I snapped back at a few people making inappropriate comments. Now what the hell do I know about what it must feel to have gender identity issues. I'm a woman and have always felt that I'm a woman. I only know what I have read and there is no way I could ever truly understand what this woman has/is going through. The one thing I do understand is this woman has an enormous amount of courage to get up everyday, go to work , live her life and know that everywhere she goes there are likely ignorant people making judgements. I doubt many of them making the judgements would have such strength of character.

Now I think I'm going to go get another glass of ice tea before I mow the lawn and start dinner. I wonder what time A will be home tonight?

Headache, headache go away...

I've officially had a headache for 1 week. I take some meds, it settles down but is just there simmering below the surface until the meds wear off and it comes back. Just had my eyes checked, saw the chiropractor, tried sleeping, watching my diet, not wearing my contacts, massage, sex-it keeps coming back. I'm dreading next week because it will be time to put in my new aligners for my clear braces. (I probably never mentioned that I started braces 3 months ago and have 3 months to go.) Then I will have an incredible pressure in my head for 2-3 days until I adjust.

Thursday I stayed home from work. No, I wasn't playing hooky; my schedule was just slow so I decided to take the day off. I was actually feeling better this morning and had the dogs out in the yard playing and trying to get some video of the newbies for Petfinder. The neighborhood was quiet; no one around, just the way I like it. I stepped in the back door to grab my water bottle and the dogs start barking and race to the gate next to my house that faces the street. I figured maybe they were just barking at the mail woman and hurried back out to calm them down. There stands 2 census workers counting my dogs. A and I completed our census stuff months ago so we wouldn't have to deal with anyone knocking on our door but now they've showed up to question me about the empty house next door. Right away she's saying "whoa, are all those yours?! what kind of dog are they? are they for sale?"  I'm in panic mode and quickly muttering about rescue and fosters while sending my crew into the house and gathering up the newbies (they don't know any commands yet) and telling them the house next door was foreclosed on 2 years ago and trying to get away as quickly as possible. The census workers had no longer left my yard and I felt the vise on the back of my neck and the stabbing pain coming back into my head. At that moment I realized the headache started when I received the call last Friday about one of our foster homes getting busted for being over the city's 4 dog limit.

My city's limit is actually 3 dogs, so when we adopted Sia we knew we were over the limit. Then came a foster and that added up to 5 and then these 2 emergency fosters which brings my number to 7. Some cities/counties offer hobby kennel licenses or other special circumstances permits but this city doesn't. We've talked about and planned to move out into the country but that's not happening right away. We know our neighbors fairly well and they know that A and I are involved in rescue and fostering. Some of our neighbors even come over to see the pups and I've always considered it good since it exposes them to more people and goes a long way to rehabilitate them. Now I feel I have to be secretive and protective of my area. A talked to our closest neighbor earlier this week, introduced him to the newbies, told him how they came to be here, and expressed our fears of the same thing happening to us. He told us not to worry, we do good work and some people should mind their own damn business. The foster that was busted was purely accidental. A complaint had been filed against one of her neighbors so a cop was going door-to-door questioning people and came across her house and her dogs. This woman is not a hoarder-she actually shows Japanese Chins and now has her own champion showdogs on the line.

So now I have pinned down the cause of my headache/anxiety/stress and need to find a way to deal. I'm sure I will calm down in another week or so. Maybe A and I will go and pay a visit to more of our neighbors. All I do know is that someone telling me that I had to give up any of my "fur-kids" would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. It doesn't matter how well fed and cared for they are or how clean I keep my home and yard-I'm breaking the law. And the sad truth that keeps running though my head is the fact I could sit in this house and have 12 babies and no one would say a word.

A little of this and that...

I'm glad my readers enjoyed my guest's post. A really enjoyed doing it and now I feel like I'm constantly being watched...she's just itching to dish some goofy thing I do. :)

First I have to share that A and I did buy ourselves a cute, retro RV. We picked it up 2 weeks ago and then had to give it a full and complete cleaning. My OCD ass was NOT sleeping in there until it was cleaned and disinfected! It is a 1987 model so it has the most awesome seafoam green upholstery. At first we considered covering everything but I think we really have to embrace the retro feel. The one thing that had to go is the carpet. Not only is it filthy (who in the hell has carpet when camping) but if I'm travelling with 5 dogs I need easy clean up. Today I ripped out that old nasty carpet (another major germ-phobic attack, especially the bathroom-YUCK!!) and started laying the new vinyl flooring. Once that is done, the Winnebago will be ready for her first trip. We are not planning any major trips this summer-just some weekends at state parks. We will see what the future holds.

Last weekend we moved my brother and family to South Dakota. For two weeks prior everytime I saw my brother and sister-in-law they talked about how they were getting the packing done. Friday night I went over to help load stuff and discovered they were not nearly packed. I went to bed at 1am and got back up at 8am on Saturday to go help more. We finally finished and left town early afternoon and drove 5.5 hours to their new house, unpacked and then drove 5.5 hours home. I got home at 5:30am Sunday after being stopped by the cops twice for speeding and I was lucky to get away with a warning both times. Whew!! As if things weren't stressful enough my mother thought our packing/moving days would be a good time to bring along a bottle of brandy and act like an asshole. That's a whole other issue that I'm not ready to get into in this post.

I went to bed at 6am Sunday, got back up at 9am and took my foster puppy to meet a potiental adopter. That was another 1.5 hour drive each way. They had offered to come meet me, but I wanted to be able to spend some time checking them out too and making sure Jayna was comfortable. I'm happy to report that Jayna stayed at her new home that day.

Of course I cried but managed to (mostly) hold it together until I made it out of their home and into my car. I was crying so much I actually missed my exit and had to drive around a bit to get home. This was the first time I've ever done this by myself; usually A is always there with me and so then I crumble easier since I know I have her there to be the strong one. Instead I went to Starbucks and ordered the largest Java Chip frappachino I could get, the barista looked at me like I was nuts, and buried myself in 800 calories.

Then last Wedensday I came home from work, turned on my computer and after a few minutes got the dreaded blue screen. It's been doing it more and more recently and I've been telling A the computer was on its last leg. I would just pull the power, re-start and it would come back to life. I've been staying on top of my back-ups and waiting for the end. This time when I tried to restart there was nothing. It was done. But now we have no computer and of course we do EVERYTHING online these days. I have been planning my switch to a Mac but I'm just not prepared yet. Off we go to the electronics store to purchase a computer fast. We bought another PC just to get us through for awhile but I've had it with the PC bullshit!!

Finally, just when I thought we could slow down a bit I got a call Friday night from the woman who runs our rescue. One of our foster homes got "busted" for being over the city limit for dogs and now we have to move dogs to other homes fast. It's a desperate moment so A and I agreed to take two more fosters. Today I'm meeting the foster mom and it will be a surprise who I'm bringing home. Looks like I'll be travelling with seven this summer. Holy shit!!

Finding My Center

Last Thursday I left work late after another extremely trying and stressful day to walk into a hornets nest. My phone had several angry messages waiting and people were calling to bitch some more. Basically, my dad was up to his games again. He had called late Wedensday night to ask my younger brother to help him with something the next day. My younger brother said he already had committments in the morning but would come over in the afternoon. He then called me to let me know he would be helping dad so I didn't have to worry about it. Well dad being the impatient, world-revolves-around-me person that he is decided that wasn't good enough.  Around noon on Thursday he called my older brother at work and told him that my younger brother was supposed to show up that morning and had not. Dad said he called him and my bro said he would be there in a 1/2 hour then didn't show up so dad called again and my bro said he was on his way out the door and 2 hours later had not showed up. So my older brother gets mad and calls my younger brother and starts yelling at him on the phone and they get into an arguement. Then my younger brother calls my mom and before I know it I have all these people calling me.

I walked into my dad's place and he was ranting at me about everyone and I listened for about a minute and then I lost it and yelled at him to knock this shit off. I didn't appreciate leaving work and having to deal with this and then told him that unless this bullshit stopped, I was walking and he was on his own. He immediately stopped and dropped his head. I have to admit I even shocked myself a bit. The act of yelling at someone is highly unusual for me. I'm the peace-maker, the logical one, the one who tries to solve the problems. When I yell, I mean business. After dealing with dad it was time to deal with my brothers. I called the older one and discussed that fact that dad had twisted the truth just to get him angry and we couldn't let him play us against each other; we had to be a united front. Dad was playing the poor-poor-pity me game and attention seeking. Negative attention is better than none, right? Plus he always wants to be in control.

Now I wish I could say that dad's manipulative behavior was related to his illness but that would be delusional in my part. He has always been this way-controlling, manipulative, selfish, narcissistic. He's never at fault, always the victim, always right, short tempered (he communicates by yelling) and just talks at you constantly. My uncle described him the best by stating that "until just recently he never realized there was anyone in this world other than him".

My parents have been divorced since I was six years old and all my life dad has done everything possible to keep control over mom, stalking her and interfering and destroying every relationship she ever tried to have. When I was a kid it was common for him to stalk around our house at night and peek in the windows trying to catch mom doing something with someone. When we went for Sunday visits with dad he would question me (at age 8-10 years old) asking if my mom had any men around and and telling me things like "you know your mother is having sex with *insert name*". Sometimes he would even accuse her of being involved with her cousin or nephew. How sick is that?!!! On these same Sundays when he was supposed to be spending time with his children he would drive my younger brother and I around all day while he was stalking some married woman he was running around with. I witnessed more verbal fights than I can remember, numerous physical altercations and my mom receiving one severe beating. This behavior continued on-and-off into adulthood. My mom had several restraining orders against him over the years; he would settle down for awhile then start again. When I was around 19-20 we even had a physical altercation when he showed up at my apartment threatening and refusing to leave my home. He then went to his job and told people how he was going to shoot my mom, brother (he was still a minor at the time) and I and anyone else who was in the way.

By the time I turned 30 I had enough. After one more terrible situation I just said to myself "I'm 30 years old and I don't have to deal with this shit anymore". I walked away and until he was diagnosed with cancer last fall, we had not spoken 5 words to each other in nearly 3 years. He came to me asking for my help. He needed someone to be responsible. I agreed and accepted the responsibility because I felt it was my duty.

Isn't it funny how posts sometimes mutate into something completely different than what you planned? I know I have a lot of unresolved anger and every time I try to put it aside, rise above and be the bigger person he has to act this way and remind me why I walked away in the first place...actually it tempts me to walk away again and just say fuck it once and for all. The only thing that keeps me around is my sense of duty--that duty to care for your parents. Why I feel it so strongly, I really don't know. Maybe it was instilled with me during childhood since my mom took care of my grandpa. Maybe it's from the years of working in the nursing home and witnessing how some families take no interest in their elderly/sick family. Maybe it's just part of being a woman. Maybe it's just my weakness.

Thats why this weekend I decided it was going to be about me. I had to just spend time doing what I wanted to do with the people I wanted to spend time with. I actually felt much better after my "blow-up". I just wanted to curl up next to A and have her hold me. She is my center, my peace, my stability and my saving grace. I think I've said before that from time to time we just need to stop and re-connect with each other; shut out the outside world and just be together. Maybe that's the key to our happiness together. We went shopping Friday night, went out for dinner and drinks with friends Saturday night, caught up on our episodes of The Soup, finally watched  "500 Days of Summer" (it's been sitting at my house for 3 weeks), spent time with the pups, rode our bicycles all over town and just relaxed in general. I feel renewed.

This is my idea of a nap. The newest foster puppy, Jayna, is sleeping on my chest, the old man, Giz, on my stomach and Orv at my feet. A took this picture and said at one time there were actually four dogs sleeping with me but Tim had moved when she went to grab the camera.

Today I was asked by the rescue to organize a "Meet-N-Greet" at one of the pet supply stores near my home. Basically we just set up an info table and talk to people about our rescue, educate about puppy-mills and the breed and show off some of the dogs waiting for homes. I've been to a few to bring my foster dogs for people to meet but have never actually done the organization of an event. It will be something new but it gives me a purpose and will do anything to raise awareness and hopefully get some dogs into new homes. Now I have plans for next weekend and once agin I will be focusing on doing the things I want to do.

I've been a bit absent here in blogger world. I've stopped by to read a little but have been too mentally exhausted to comment, so I've chosen to remain silent. Please don't feel I'm ignoring you.

Last Friday my dad had surgery to remove his colon and entire large intestine. He completed his chemotherapy and radiation shortly after the new year and since then has been just resting and preparing for this surgery. He spent over 5 hours in surgery and then another 3 hours in recovery before they settled him in a room. Then I had a nearly 2 hour drive home. Saturday morning I returned to the hospital to visit and after several hours I was so tired of his disgustingly rude behavior that I decided to come home for the rest of the afternoon. About 40 mins away from the hospital, I received a call that dad had coughed and his incision had re-opened. Back to the hospital I go, wait for the doctors to come exam and then they took him back into surgery to fix him up again. It turned into another late night.

As if the surgery isn't stressful enough, pile on my dad's bad attitude/terrible patient status and my mother's psycho behavior and you have a really big mess! I don't even want to waste the time and energy trying to even write about my mom's nuclear meltdown but I say I think she's got some kind of psychosis happening there. She was so out of control that I just stopped answering her phone calls.

Now for something positive. I can't bitch and complain and then leave things on a negative note.

My uncle (dad's younger brother) came here to stay during dad's surgery. I have not seen this man since I was 19 years old and have only spoken to him a couple times since then on the phone around the holidays (just the "hi, how are you?" holiday wishes kind of conversation). I was a little concerned about how he would be to deal with but to my surprise, he has been absolutely wonderfully helpful to me in dealing with dad. I can't even begin to express my gratitude and how much I appreciate all he did (and put up with). Friday I arrived at the hospital feeling absolutely stressed and exhausted to the point of tears and he just gave me a big hug and said, "baby girl, it will be alright". You know, sometimes that's all you need; just a little comfort and understanding. Saturday we had the entire day together and since we were just doing a lot of sitting and waiting, we had a lot of time to talk. We have so much in common and very similar personalities. We talked books and history and family things and a million other topics. We stopped at the bookstore, made frequent trips to starbucks and just got to know each other. It was a great experience to get reaquainted on an adult level. All these years I've been trying to figure out how I fit into this family because I couldn't look around and find anyone like me. Well I finally did and it is comforting.

Today dad came home from the hospital and tomorrow my uncle is leaving to return home. I'll be sad to see him leave but I am going to make a real effort to stay in contact. Now I'm feeling the weight of dad on my shoulders again, but for a few days at least, someone helped me carry the load.

Monday Sucks!

I can't be more happy to say goodbye to this Monday. My car took a crap on me this morning. I went out to start it and it was not well. It did the exact same thing last winter and it was my ignition coil. Poor car was studdering along on 2 of its 4 cylinders. I have to say it is likely the same thing. I still have warranty on it for another 4000 miles so if it wants to die, do it now. I had to call work, then a tow truck and wait. The young man driving the tow truck was a friendly and interesting fellow. We had about a 30 minute drive and he told me tales of working as a repo man in Minneapolis; his physical altercations with some of the people he's repossessed from and how he's on a first name basis with many of the Minneapolis police. He probably weighs 120 pounds but he sure thinks he's a big man. I just smiled and listened. I finally dropped off my car at the mechanic, picked up a rental and then headed to work. I would rather have just went home!

Tonight I came home to A talking about the roof. We just had a new one put on this past spring and with the heavy snowfall we've developed some major ice-dams along the edges of the roof. On the west side of the house there is ice over a foot thick. We haven't had any leaking yet but the risk is high. A contacted a company and they are coming to remove the ice-dams on Wedensday at a substantial hourly rate. Damn, I think I'm going to change my profession. Too bad I have to work though, I would love to be out there watching. I guess they go up on the roof with high heat steam wands and basically cut the ice off the roof. Oh, the joys of home-ownership. Fuck this weather...it's time to head south!

I'm going to bed now and when I wake up it will be a new day, I'll have a new state of mind and less money in the bank.

Holy Shit, It's Been A week Already!!

Yes, A and I have been home for a week already. We landed in Minneapolis Monday night, after circling for nearly an hour in a snowstorm, and neither one of us has stopped for a minute since that plane hit the ground. It was a long drive home from the airport because of the snowy, icy roads but what a wonderful reception we received at home from our crew of misfits. The dogs did great with the petsitter and she immediately offered to petsit again in the future if we needed. What a relief!

My life this past week has been nothing but excess; too much food, alcohol, work and sex (is there such a thing). The one thing I have been severely lacking is sleep. I went to bed at 1:30am Tuesday and was back up and at work at 7:45am. I spent most of the day in a total haze. The rest of the week was a crazy work schedule, CPR refresher and then we had our office Christmas party Saturday night. I know, it's Feburary, but it was the first chance we could fit it into everyone's schedules. We partied, drank and danced until I could barely stand up. We then had to be up early this morning to do a home visit for rescue.

We had an amazing time in Jamaica and I will be posting photos and details as soon as I can wrap my mind around all the happenings this past week. I will admit, I took nearly a thousand pictures in Jamaica. I deleted some on the flight home but uploaded over 850 that I still need to go through. A large number of those pictures were of our friend's wedding. Last night at my office party another 250 were taken. Let's just say I'm overwhelmed right now and after sitting in front of a computer screen too long, it feels like my eyes are crossing. Until next post....

My suitcase is packed...

... and I'm getting excited to leave for Jamaica. I packed 2 weeks ago. Why not? There's not much need for shorts, flip flops and swimsuits in a Minnesota this time of year.

Going on vacation is a lot more work theses days. This house has been cleaned from top to bottom, notes/lists/instructions written (yes, I'm a control freak) and at 7:30am Thursday I should be on the plane.  The petsitter came last Friday to run through the routine and spend some time with the dogs.  She is one of my co-workers and  impressed me by how well she handled the dogs-even my Orville who can be a bit nippy at times. We just showed her what behaviors to watch for and how to correct him.

It's just so uncomfortable to me to have someone staying in my house. I completely trust the petsitter and know everything is in good hands.  I'm just such a private person and this is my private oasis. I'll be fine; I just need to shake off this freaky behavior of mine and just enjoy.

I'll be taking tons of pictures I'm sure but wanted to share a couple from March 2004 when A and I went to Ocho Rios, Jamaica.

We went on a tour and had lunch on the beach at Frenchmen's Cove. This was our view from the table.

We then travelled up into the Blue Mtns. and came down the river on a banana boat. This is Leroy our banana boat captain bringing us down to the ocean.

We also did the tourist thing and climbed Dunn's River Falls. Nothing too exciting but the Jamaicans make everything fun. :)

A Comedy of Errors and I'm a Jackass!!

Today A and I decided to go shopping at Ikea. We've been talking since summer about purchasing some new furniture items for the living room. It's become a Christmas tradition that we both contribute to buy a larger item(s) for the house or plan a vacation then just buy each other a few smaller things to open on Christmas day.

We slept late and A made waffles for breakfast. Then she hurried me to get ready to go; mumbling about the weather and traffic and we had to get things done today. We hopped into the piece of shit truck, A turned the ignition and nothing but a click. The battery was dead. I said, "maybe we should wait and go another day". She insisted the truck did this a couple weeks ago and although the battery needs replaced, after she got it going last time it was fine the rest of the day. It's been sitting in the cold weather for over a week, blah, blah, blah. So I wait patiently while we jump the truck and finally get on the road. We have an uneventful drive and once parked at Ikea I suggest, "maybe we should just keep it running while we go inside". She reaches over and turns off the ignition saying it will be fine, just watch. She turns the key again to show me the piece of shit truck will start and it only clicks. Now I'm pissed! She insists we go get the items we came for and then we will deal with the truck.

We went into that packed store and I was furious! That means that I now have no patience for meandering idiots or unruly children or pain in the ass people in general. We load up two platform trucks with our purchases (with the help of the cutest little gay boys), check out and head to the loading zone. A swears she just knows the truck is going to start. Lucky for me it was a pleasant sunny day because I had to stand on that loading zone for a LONG time! I was right again and the truck would still not start. We had one lucky break when A was just ready to call for a tow truck a nice gentleman from Iowa stopped and offered to give us a jump start.

A pulls up to the loading zone and starts backing up. I'm trying to handle two heavy platform trucks that don't drive worth a damn and look up to see A backing over one of the loading zone signs. I let go of the cart I was driving and started yelling and waving at her to stop. I then directed her forward and to my relief those signs are spring loaded and the damn thing popped back up! I turn around to get my cart and the one I was pulling when A was running over the sign has run off the curb and tipped one of the boxes onto the parking lot. The corner of the box is ripped open and a piece of wood is broken/torn off the product inside. Holy shit!! What else can happen!!!!! A and I load the rest of the boxes and I head back into the store. I had to go wait in the return isle and a nice lady went and got a new box to replace the damaged one. We loaded up and headed home.

Now to share my jackass moment. A and I have been discussing being more open and affectionate in public. She is open to it even though she has said it will take some adjustment for her. We were walking through the store today and she reached over and took my hand. I was so furious at that moment that I pulled my hand away and told her, "I'm so angry at you right now, I don't want to hold your hand!" 10 minutes later I felt like total shit. She took the initiative, stepped out of her comfort zone and I was a complete and total jackass to her.

On the way home I apologized for my bad behavior and she admited she didn't give a shit about running over that sign because she was imagining it to be me. She apologized for not listening when I suggested we leave the truck running. Within a short time we were laughing about all the things that went wrong on our trip and she said the next time I insist we postpone something, she will listen. I can't help but still feel terrible for not holding her hand. So what should my punishment be?

Snow, Stress and Home Improvement

I woke up in a foul mood this morning. Maybe it was the weather; 25 degrees and fucking snow on October 10th or maybe it's all the other things going through my head. All I know is that I'm happy that A was on-call this weekend and got called into the office this morning or I may be divorced by now.

I received a call from a family member 2 weeks ago to inform me they have been diagnosed with cancer. This person and I have not had a relationship for the last several years. I had stepped away from having a relationship with them when I just couldn't deal with their negative behavior anymore. After 30 years of hearing the same complaints, fights, and hurtful behaviors I just said I had enough-and cut off communication. I don't hate them, just couldn't handle it anymore. I know that some would say it is horrible to cut off a family member but I believe that some people are just toxic. Their negativity creeps into your life and they drag you down with them; sometimes that person is a member of your family. Anyway, this person now wants me to handle things for them if they become incapable and be the executor of their will. I feel obligated to do so and know they really have no one else dependable to handle things. So I take on this responsibility because it is my duty...and I feel the weight of this duty heavy on my shoulders.

As much as I hate to admit it I still sometimes fall into old habits of dealing with stress. I have tried to recognize the cycles and rise above the negative coping skills I learned from my parents but it is a constant battle to overcome those self-destructive habits. I am lucky to have a wonderful woman like A in my life. She knows when to just leave me alone and doesn't take everything personally. I doubt the two of us would still be together if we were closer in age (she's 14 years older). She was older and wiser when I was going through the craziness of my early and mid-twenties. She is actually a saint for putting up with me through some of those years. She was my rock, my stability and with her I grew to know myself, recognize my strengths and embrace my weaknesses.

I did manage to focus some of my energy today and painted my front door a beautiful shade of emerald green. We have lived in this house nearly 8 years with the same pale yellow-beige primed steel door; no spark, no curb-appeal, just BORING!! Since we put new siding on last fall and a new roof this spring it really made the entry just dated and drab. I didn't want a red door-too overdone (and my neighbors across the street have a red door), the idea of a blue door was just not right and I finally decided on green. It's taken weeks to find just the right shade and the effort was well worth it. Next spring-new storm door to really showcase my beautiful green door.