Getting Facebook Bitchy

And I don't give a fuck who I piss off either.

My dear friend Ash (who was married last year in Jamaica) is expecting her first baby in June. What I love about Ash is that she's a smart, tell-it-like-it-is, no bullshit kind of person. I know she's going to be that kind of parent too. But like all first time mothers (I imagine), she's nervous and questioning and finding her way.

Anyway, today on Facebook she posted pictures of her nursery. Two simple pictures started a fire-storm of criticism. Someone started by asking if it was or was not okay to have bumpers on the crib and then it went on and on from there. Every know-it-all on FB had to throw in their opinion but one bitch really pissed me off. She started out talking about how she works for the state and has investigated many SIDS deaths (her FB profile says she's a secretary for the state) and that you only do things this way and lay your baby that way and NEVER take your baby in bed with you and that's what's best because those are the laws for every daycare in the state, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Maybe I'm just feeling bitchy tonight but it just pissed me off. I'm so annoyed with the fact that some people think that just because a woman is pregnant, she's suddenly public property. Pregnant and new mothers can be so vulnerable because they are inexperienced and anxious. Then you have people who come into the situation and feed into those anxieties. So some women end up constantly worrying about doing something wrong instead of following their instincts and enjoying the experience. I made some smart ass comment on FB about how I don't know how women have managed to have babies since the beginning of time without the "help" of government regulations. And that Adam and Eve are lucky they made it through before someone made all the rules

Then I sent Ash a message to follow her instincts. I know she's going to be a great mommy. And I love her response to the bitch. It went something like; as parents we all want the best for our children and I have read the recommendations and they keep changing every year. These are guidelines and the ultimate decisions are made by the parents based on the needs of their child. You tell'em Ash!

It's a Blizzard, Baby!

It's cold, cold and fucking cold out there! That's my life here now and I'm sorry for the repetition. So another weekend at home, 20 inches of snow, wind, drifting, everything in the lower half of the state closed down. Even the roof of the Metrodome collapsed and now the poor Vikings are homeless. As if I care. I wouldn't care much normally and I care even less now.

As I stood outside shoveling poop fields for the dogs, bundled up so much I resembled the little brother from "A Christmas Story", with wind gusts blowing snow in my face, I should have known it was a sign...stormy weather coming back into my life. It's been too quiet for too long. The barometer drops and everyone goes crazy.

My dad and his family and my mom are all just getting into the game again. Dad has always been a master manipulator, now throw in a stroke, dementia, depression and the loss of control (over his body and his life) and you have manipulation to the extreme. He calls people, pushing buttons, trying to play people against each other, twisting things said/did to suit his purpose. I haven't talked to him in weeks until this weekend. I would call over and over but he wouldn't answer his phone. Friday night mom calls telling me that dad wants to come back to Minnesota, he's lonely, scared, etc. Then she's spewing all this stuff about how he's not being fed or properly cared for and on, and on, and on. I try to calm her down...I want to talk to him myself. So Sunday I finally get a chance and I just listen. I tell him that if he wants to come back to MN we can try to get things arranged but it's not going to be something that can be done overnight. He has unrealistic expectations about returning here and trying to live on his own. I know that in reality he won't be any happier living here. His condition will be the same, he will have the same complaints and the manipulations will continue. I spoke to my older brother to get his perspective and we both agreed that at least until spring we are not even going to consider moving him back.

Tonight is my late night at work and I came home to find the nastiest, rude message from my dad's sister on my voicemail. I haven't spoken to her since October, but she was accusing me of things and honestly I had no idea what she was talking about....but I have a pretty good idea where this is coming from. Honestly, throughout everything I've felt very appreciative of all that she's taken on helping dad. I realize what a lot of work it has been for her. So now I'm still awake, I have to work tomorrow and there is nothing more frustrating that getting those kinds of messages late at night when there is nothing you can say or do about them at the time. Maybe it's for the best since when I get so angry, I cry and then it's hard to communicate. But shit, it really fucks up my sleep cycle!

Really, all I want is peace and quiet. Just living my life here with A, taking care of the pups, doing my rescue duties, taking care of the things I need to and otherwise just finding happiness in what I can. I don't like people interfering in my life and try to extend the same courtesies to others. I'm really at the point of washing my hands with the whole situation and with every drama, I'm finding the sense of duty and the guilt I carry around about "being there" slipping away.

Now I remember why I don't call...

...or answer your calls or even listen to the whole message you left on my voicemail.

Several weeks ago I just felt like everything was imploding. I was dealing with dad, mom, brothers, dad's siblings, hospitals, doctors, social workers, insurance companies, and that list goes on and on and on. That of course is on top of MY everyday normal life, relationship and work. For months my phone rang non-stop, taking calls, dealing with issues. It is always" I need help with.." or "You've gotta take care of...".

I don't mind helping but when the bitching and back-stabbing starts, I'm finished. It turned into dad calling from Ohio over and over to tell me to take care of some things that I had no power to handle. Then when I suggested he legally designate someone as power of attorney (a suggestion my older brother was on board with) dad gets crazy paranoid and starts accusing me of trying to get power to put him in a nursing home. When the shit hit the fan, guess which brother backed out; it wasn't HIS idea. Fucking asshole!! I threw up my hands and told them all if they could do it so well, then go for it.

I went to the hills with my love and my family. I surrounded myself with things that make me happy. I re-focused on enjoying my life. I stopped calling and stopped accepting a lot of calls. I had some peace and quiet.

So why the fucking hell did I return that phone call to my mom tonight?  Her message sounded okay but by the time I called the sobbing and self-pity had started. There's just so much anger in her and she just keeps holding onto it. I can hear her starting to spiral down again. There comes a point when you can't help those who don't help themselves. Then I have my older brother bitching about dad's will and how unfair it is.  I explained that I agreed to execute his will as he wanted it and I have no power over anything. Plus, get this asshole, DAD'S NOT DEAD!!! Greedy fucker!  The final phone call was from my younger brother. Usually these are pretty safe but I should have known better tonight. He started bitching (again) about the small bill he has paid for my mom the last 4 months. Well, as you can imagine I was not in the mood and told him how I felt. Over the last 10+ years mom (primarily) and dad have given them so much money, paid utility bills and rent, bought clothing and food all because of the grandkids. I told him I was sick of hearing him complain about it after all the money mom has given to him and his family through the years. There were crickets on the line and before I lost control I said good-bye and hung up.

Even with all the bullshit, tomorrow when the anger dies down I will feel guilty; guilty for not calling, not accepting calls and guilty for not doing more. This girl can't fucking win!!!

Who wants to come to a bonfire?

I'm burning my PC. I've had it with the piece of shit! This is my third Dell laptop. The first two lasted about 5 years each. I consider that respectable considering all the use and abuse. This spring our last one died suddenly but not totally unexpected after it was resuscitated the year prior. I knew its days were numbered and it had served us well. We went last minute and picked up another Dell and it's been one headache after another! It deletes whatever the hell it wants, the keyboard types when it wants. It has been in to the computer techs and no virus or worm can be found. Dell replaced the keyboard; it still types when it wants. Dell service can't find a problem and they will not admit this thing is a dud. I got into an argument with some guy in India because I wouldn't pay them extra to re-install my operating system. I did it myself later and it didn't work anyway. So I've been questioning if this is a Windows 7 problem or Dell problem. After talking to people, I've found several others with the same problem with their Dell computers.  It's so upsetting to be reading my email and watch it just go down the line deleting. I can't do anything with photos because it tries to delete them and then freezes. This thing is unreliable; it cannot be trusted

I've been coveting a Mac for over a year now. I go to Best Buy and the Apple Store to look at them with longing and stroke their smooth lines. I've been surfing the website and building my own. Tonight I took the plunge and ordered my iMac. It will be here next week and hopefully my computer frustrations will end. Tonight I'm going to fantasize about the many ways I could destroy this computer even though I know A won't really let me. A girl can dream, right?

Yeah, I guess I'm in a mood.

It's a beautiful afternoon, I stayed home from work, the dogs are bathed, the house is cleaned and now I can sit on the patio and sun myself. Around here the house has been full of stress this week. The facility A works at is currently going through their annual state inspection and when you're the one in charge you feel the weight of it full on your shoulders. She's been questioned daily by inspectors while having them dig through paperwork and questioning the rationale behind every decision all while trying to maintain her normal work. When she came home Wednesday night she had already put in 40 hours this week with 2 days to go.

I've been trying to stay on top of things around the house but when you have two OCD, control-freaks living under the same roof it can be slightly interesting. I can't help but be amazed how when we moved in together we just sort of divided up the chores. I hate to do dishes, she hates laundry and so it all works itself out. But let one of us step into the other's place and watch the fireworks begin. Last night I got the "well I usually do it this way" and I got annoyed and snapped back "well it got done and that's all that matters". Her patience is shot and mine is wearing thin as we found out during a 1am argument. Have you ever woke out of a dead sleep and got into an argument? A barking dog woke her, she was yelling and I woke up and started yelling at her to stop yelling. Yeah, that's how much sense you have when you're half asleep and bitching at each other. We made up around 5am and now I can't help but laugh at how stupid the whole thing was.

So I got to stay home today and that was just fine by me. I am really in no mood to look at one more 5 year old child with bombed out teeth due to poor diet/poor oral hygiene/lack of dental care. Some days I can't help but question when the line between ignorance and neglect is crossed. I suppose that is just an opinion though and we all have plenty of those. So on I go just trying to educate and encourage and convince parents about what is the best treatment and hoping they will put their child's needs ahead of their own need for the cigarettes and tattoos. Yes, I did say tattoos. I personally have nothing against tattoos except when I have a child in pain from their teeth hurting and a parent sitting there reeking of cigarette smoke and sporting an entire forearm (wrist to elbow) of new tattoo (still swollen and starting to peel) and tell you they can't afford to have treatment. Yes, this is a true story and happened to me several weeks ago. One of these days my "censor" button is going to overload. The sad truth is that even with universal health care, I still doubt they would get things taken care of. There are a large number of  people who have full coverage but still don't bring their children in for preventative care or have treatment completed even though it's not costing them a penny. So there you go...just another opinion.

I need a break from my co-workers too. I'm still really bothered by the behavior of some of them when we had a transgendered male to female patient come the other day. There is really no need for such ignorance these days and I snapped back at a few people making inappropriate comments. Now what the hell do I know about what it must feel to have gender identity issues. I'm a woman and have always felt that I'm a woman. I only know what I have read and there is no way I could ever truly understand what this woman has/is going through. The one thing I do understand is this woman has an enormous amount of courage to get up everyday, go to work , live her life and know that everywhere she goes there are likely ignorant people making judgements. I doubt many of them making the judgements would have such strength of character.

Now I think I'm going to go get another glass of ice tea before I mow the lawn and start dinner. I wonder what time A will be home tonight?

A little of this and that...

I'm glad my readers enjoyed my guest's post. A really enjoyed doing it and now I feel like I'm constantly being watched...she's just itching to dish some goofy thing I do. :)

First I have to share that A and I did buy ourselves a cute, retro RV. We picked it up 2 weeks ago and then had to give it a full and complete cleaning. My OCD ass was NOT sleeping in there until it was cleaned and disinfected! It is a 1987 model so it has the most awesome seafoam green upholstery. At first we considered covering everything but I think we really have to embrace the retro feel. The one thing that had to go is the carpet. Not only is it filthy (who in the hell has carpet when camping) but if I'm travelling with 5 dogs I need easy clean up. Today I ripped out that old nasty carpet (another major germ-phobic attack, especially the bathroom-YUCK!!) and started laying the new vinyl flooring. Once that is done, the Winnebago will be ready for her first trip. We are not planning any major trips this summer-just some weekends at state parks. We will see what the future holds.

Last weekend we moved my brother and family to South Dakota. For two weeks prior everytime I saw my brother and sister-in-law they talked about how they were getting the packing done. Friday night I went over to help load stuff and discovered they were not nearly packed. I went to bed at 1am and got back up at 8am on Saturday to go help more. We finally finished and left town early afternoon and drove 5.5 hours to their new house, unpacked and then drove 5.5 hours home. I got home at 5:30am Sunday after being stopped by the cops twice for speeding and I was lucky to get away with a warning both times. Whew!! As if things weren't stressful enough my mother thought our packing/moving days would be a good time to bring along a bottle of brandy and act like an asshole. That's a whole other issue that I'm not ready to get into in this post.

I went to bed at 6am Sunday, got back up at 9am and took my foster puppy to meet a potiental adopter. That was another 1.5 hour drive each way. They had offered to come meet me, but I wanted to be able to spend some time checking them out too and making sure Jayna was comfortable. I'm happy to report that Jayna stayed at her new home that day.

Of course I cried but managed to (mostly) hold it together until I made it out of their home and into my car. I was crying so much I actually missed my exit and had to drive around a bit to get home. This was the first time I've ever done this by myself; usually A is always there with me and so then I crumble easier since I know I have her there to be the strong one. Instead I went to Starbucks and ordered the largest Java Chip frappachino I could get, the barista looked at me like I was nuts, and buried myself in 800 calories.

Then last Wedensday I came home from work, turned on my computer and after a few minutes got the dreaded blue screen. It's been doing it more and more recently and I've been telling A the computer was on its last leg. I would just pull the power, re-start and it would come back to life. I've been staying on top of my back-ups and waiting for the end. This time when I tried to restart there was nothing. It was done. But now we have no computer and of course we do EVERYTHING online these days. I have been planning my switch to a Mac but I'm just not prepared yet. Off we go to the electronics store to purchase a computer fast. We bought another PC just to get us through for awhile but I've had it with the PC bullshit!!

Finally, just when I thought we could slow down a bit I got a call Friday night from the woman who runs our rescue. One of our foster homes got "busted" for being over the city limit for dogs and now we have to move dogs to other homes fast. It's a desperate moment so A and I agreed to take two more fosters. Today I'm meeting the foster mom and it will be a surprise who I'm bringing home. Looks like I'll be travelling with seven this summer. Holy shit!!

Finding My Center

Last Thursday I left work late after another extremely trying and stressful day to walk into a hornets nest. My phone had several angry messages waiting and people were calling to bitch some more. Basically, my dad was up to his games again. He had called late Wedensday night to ask my younger brother to help him with something the next day. My younger brother said he already had committments in the morning but would come over in the afternoon. He then called me to let me know he would be helping dad so I didn't have to worry about it. Well dad being the impatient, world-revolves-around-me person that he is decided that wasn't good enough.  Around noon on Thursday he called my older brother at work and told him that my younger brother was supposed to show up that morning and had not. Dad said he called him and my bro said he would be there in a 1/2 hour then didn't show up so dad called again and my bro said he was on his way out the door and 2 hours later had not showed up. So my older brother gets mad and calls my younger brother and starts yelling at him on the phone and they get into an arguement. Then my younger brother calls my mom and before I know it I have all these people calling me.

I walked into my dad's place and he was ranting at me about everyone and I listened for about a minute and then I lost it and yelled at him to knock this shit off. I didn't appreciate leaving work and having to deal with this and then told him that unless this bullshit stopped, I was walking and he was on his own. He immediately stopped and dropped his head. I have to admit I even shocked myself a bit. The act of yelling at someone is highly unusual for me. I'm the peace-maker, the logical one, the one who tries to solve the problems. When I yell, I mean business. After dealing with dad it was time to deal with my brothers. I called the older one and discussed that fact that dad had twisted the truth just to get him angry and we couldn't let him play us against each other; we had to be a united front. Dad was playing the poor-poor-pity me game and attention seeking. Negative attention is better than none, right? Plus he always wants to be in control.

Now I wish I could say that dad's manipulative behavior was related to his illness but that would be delusional in my part. He has always been this way-controlling, manipulative, selfish, narcissistic. He's never at fault, always the victim, always right, short tempered (he communicates by yelling) and just talks at you constantly. My uncle described him the best by stating that "until just recently he never realized there was anyone in this world other than him".

My parents have been divorced since I was six years old and all my life dad has done everything possible to keep control over mom, stalking her and interfering and destroying every relationship she ever tried to have. When I was a kid it was common for him to stalk around our house at night and peek in the windows trying to catch mom doing something with someone. When we went for Sunday visits with dad he would question me (at age 8-10 years old) asking if my mom had any men around and and telling me things like "you know your mother is having sex with *insert name*". Sometimes he would even accuse her of being involved with her cousin or nephew. How sick is that?!!! On these same Sundays when he was supposed to be spending time with his children he would drive my younger brother and I around all day while he was stalking some married woman he was running around with. I witnessed more verbal fights than I can remember, numerous physical altercations and my mom receiving one severe beating. This behavior continued on-and-off into adulthood. My mom had several restraining orders against him over the years; he would settle down for awhile then start again. When I was around 19-20 we even had a physical altercation when he showed up at my apartment threatening and refusing to leave my home. He then went to his job and told people how he was going to shoot my mom, brother (he was still a minor at the time) and I and anyone else who was in the way.

By the time I turned 30 I had enough. After one more terrible situation I just said to myself "I'm 30 years old and I don't have to deal with this shit anymore". I walked away and until he was diagnosed with cancer last fall, we had not spoken 5 words to each other in nearly 3 years. He came to me asking for my help. He needed someone to be responsible. I agreed and accepted the responsibility because I felt it was my duty.

Isn't it funny how posts sometimes mutate into something completely different than what you planned? I know I have a lot of unresolved anger and every time I try to put it aside, rise above and be the bigger person he has to act this way and remind me why I walked away in the first place...actually it tempts me to walk away again and just say fuck it once and for all. The only thing that keeps me around is my sense of duty--that duty to care for your parents. Why I feel it so strongly, I really don't know. Maybe it was instilled with me during childhood since my mom took care of my grandpa. Maybe it's from the years of working in the nursing home and witnessing how some families take no interest in their elderly/sick family. Maybe it's just part of being a woman. Maybe it's just my weakness.

Thats why this weekend I decided it was going to be about me. I had to just spend time doing what I wanted to do with the people I wanted to spend time with. I actually felt much better after my "blow-up". I just wanted to curl up next to A and have her hold me. She is my center, my peace, my stability and my saving grace. I think I've said before that from time to time we just need to stop and re-connect with each other; shut out the outside world and just be together. Maybe that's the key to our happiness together. We went shopping Friday night, went out for dinner and drinks with friends Saturday night, caught up on our episodes of The Soup, finally watched  "500 Days of Summer" (it's been sitting at my house for 3 weeks), spent time with the pups, rode our bicycles all over town and just relaxed in general. I feel renewed.

This is my idea of a nap. The newest foster puppy, Jayna, is sleeping on my chest, the old man, Giz, on my stomach and Orv at my feet. A took this picture and said at one time there were actually four dogs sleeping with me but Tim had moved when she went to grab the camera.

Today I was asked by the rescue to organize a "Meet-N-Greet" at one of the pet supply stores near my home. Basically we just set up an info table and talk to people about our rescue, educate about puppy-mills and the breed and show off some of the dogs waiting for homes. I've been to a few to bring my foster dogs for people to meet but have never actually done the organization of an event. It will be something new but it gives me a purpose and will do anything to raise awareness and hopefully get some dogs into new homes. Now I have plans for next weekend and once agin I will be focusing on doing the things I want to do.

Monday Sucks!

I can't be more happy to say goodbye to this Monday. My car took a crap on me this morning. I went out to start it and it was not well. It did the exact same thing last winter and it was my ignition coil. Poor car was studdering along on 2 of its 4 cylinders. I have to say it is likely the same thing. I still have warranty on it for another 4000 miles so if it wants to die, do it now. I had to call work, then a tow truck and wait. The young man driving the tow truck was a friendly and interesting fellow. We had about a 30 minute drive and he told me tales of working as a repo man in Minneapolis; his physical altercations with some of the people he's repossessed from and how he's on a first name basis with many of the Minneapolis police. He probably weighs 120 pounds but he sure thinks he's a big man. I just smiled and listened. I finally dropped off my car at the mechanic, picked up a rental and then headed to work. I would rather have just went home!

Tonight I came home to A talking about the roof. We just had a new one put on this past spring and with the heavy snowfall we've developed some major ice-dams along the edges of the roof. On the west side of the house there is ice over a foot thick. We haven't had any leaking yet but the risk is high. A contacted a company and they are coming to remove the ice-dams on Wedensday at a substantial hourly rate. Damn, I think I'm going to change my profession. Too bad I have to work though, I would love to be out there watching. I guess they go up on the roof with high heat steam wands and basically cut the ice off the roof. Oh, the joys of home-ownership. Fuck this weather...it's time to head south!

I'm going to bed now and when I wake up it will be a new day, I'll have a new state of mind and less money in the bank.

Grrrrr! Beware I May Bite

I hate my ipod; 1800 songs on it and I can't stand to listen to a damn one of them.

I'm tired of coughing.

I gained 6 pounds since Thankgiving.

A bleach-blonde prissy bitch is driving me crazy. I think I may have to arrange an "accident".

It's still Monday and I have three days of work left with the above mentioned bitch.

I'm in a pissy mood. A went off to bed without me. That's probably the best way to avoid divorce.

I'm going to bed too. I will be better in the morning.

Just Some Bitching

There are two woman at my office that drive me crazy. Sometimes to the point I'm ready to run out of the building screaming and throw myself in front of a semi. I just can't tolerate the bitching and complaining about how wrong this world is to them- just because it doesn't revolve around their every wish and desire. The last couple weeks have been especially hard because I'm stressed about other issues too. But really, is there a need to complain for 3 hours over the lack of a baby changing station at a restaurant or store. I don't have children, but I took care of my nephews a a lot and I understand it's an inconvenience but I don't consider it to be tragic. I just wanted to scream "Is your life that pointless? Can't you have a thought in your head other than breeding?" I pity the future that receives the children raised by these women; self-absorbed and ignorant with no desire to try to change the world-just bitch about it!!!


When they're not complaining about changing stations and child seats on shopping carts they are tearing apart the men in their lives. I actually feel slightly sorry for the poor dopes that impregnated them. Both of these women are control freaks; they want to raise the children, keep the house, work and cook and they are the only one who can do it right! When the men try to help they criticize and when the men back off they complain the men aren't helping enough. Maybe if I invited their husbands they would like to run out in front of a semi too!


Now I'm not a die-hard feminist but I do believe in the power and talent of woman. I grew up encouraged to do anything I wanted and to not allow myself to be held back because of my sex. I'm a girly-girl who never leaves the house without my makeup and purse, but I can also change the oil in my car, fix a toilet and have a large collection of power tools. Growing up I helped work on the cars, lawnmowers, trim trees, fix broken faucets. I was encouraged to learn these things from the men in my life so I wouldn't have to depend on someone else. I was taught by men to not have to depend on men. For me that was a normal part of growing up and I was amazed when I was older to realize not all girls knew how to do these things. Now that I'm even older I truly appreciate the things my grandfather and father taught me. The End of my Rant!!