Friday, September 24, 2010

I need a new attitude...

...or at least a change of scenery. Actually, I've been feeling really tired and unmotivated. I started to get concerned when I went into work a couple days ago and one of my co-workers asked me how I was today. I gave a standard, "I'm okay" but I guess I didn't sound very enthusiastic. Her response was "Not again. You've been tired and down all week." I thought I had been carrying on pretty well. I don't want to share all the things going on in my life at work and when I don't have anything good to say, I find myself just being quiet. I feel irritable. I don't feel much like talking. I don't feel clever...or joking...or witty at all. I actually feel a little dull with a twist of negativity thrown in for fun. So I'm silent. Last night when A and I stopped to grab dinner while out shopping, I had to ask her, am I sounding really negative these days? She assured me that I've been keeping myself well under control. I guess maybe I'm just over-sensitive.

Last weekend we had a great time at our rescue get-together and then camped at a nearby state park. I had promised myself that I was going to relax, go with the flow and most importantly ENJOY my time with my sweetie. We had 109 dogs in attendance and raised over $2000 with our silent auction and donation table. It was cool and overcast, around 50 degrees, but at least the rain held off.

The woman who runs our "Half-Way House" brought 19 dogs to the party. These dogs come from the commercial breeder auctions to her kennel where they get their vetting done and then await placement in a foster home.
Farrah-I just love the expression on her face.
One of our rescuers brought her grandson and he was quickly covered in furry friends.
This hummingbird braved the crowds to get to the feeder. I can't believe how close it let me get. 

As the day went on I spent a lot of time hanging out with the dogs needing foster homes. A an I had agreed that we were only taking 6 dogs to the Black Hills this weekend and would not be adding another foster yet. But there was this one little girl who would tentatively approach me and then quickly move away. She would watch as I pet the others and you could see her trying to muster the courage to allow a touch. She would creep closer and flatten herself to the ground but then chicken out. She is so small; her coat so thin I can see her spotted skin. She has recently weaned puppies. Finally she let me touch and her coat is dry and coarse. Nothing like the beautiful silky coats chins are supposed to have. I picked her up and she stiffened into the typical mill dog posture. I held her against me and she slowly started to relax. I walked over to A holding her and I said nothing but I must have had a pleading look in my eyes. She turned red...then her ears went maroon to purple.  I still didn't say anything but she shook her head in agreement and admitted she had been attracted to this little one too. So meet Jill, our newest addition to the house.
She's progressing very well and by Monday morning she was playing and had found her voice.

While driving home Sunday, I asked A if she was angry at me for bringing home one more. I apologized but explained that I just felt defenseless against those eyes. Her response was, "Well now you know how I feel. I don't have a chance when you pull out those pleading eyes on me either." 

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Best Therapy Money Can't Buy

Thank you to everyone for the sweet and supportive comments. I woke up this morning feeling much better.

I'm looking forward to this weekend when A and I are packing up the RV and rolling out for our annual rescue get-together. I will be receiving some major doggy therapy. We are expecting nearly a hundred dogs. For now I have this many for therapy at home.

Five of the six in this house climb on me when I come home from work.
This morning I woke up and A had already left for work. Instead of cuddling up to the woman I love, I had to substitute this guy.
I guess he will do in a pinch but he does hog the bed, kick, blow "snizzle" in your face and occasionally fart too. I guess no one is perfect.

I feel like the girl on the box of Morton salt, "When it rains, it pours."

Lately the weekends have lost their luster and I find myself actually looking forward to the work week; it's normal, routine. I have something else to focus on. Three of the last four weekends have been some sort of drama so today I spent as my own personal mental health day; sipping tea, sitting in the warm sunshine and blogging. It was our anniversary Saturday but A has been in and out of the house all weekend; on-call again and always some "crisis" to deal with. We managed to sneak out for dinner tonight to our favorite Japanese restaurant but no other celebrations this weekend. Plus I'm amazed to report that even since I hit the "Place Order" button for my Mac, this damn PC has been functioning fine. Three months of daily bullshit and now it behaves?! It doesn't matter now how well it works, I've crossed that bridge and I'm not going back.

My dad has been up and down with an especially bad time Labor day weekend. I received a call from neurologist Sunday morning around 1am telling me he probably wasn't going to make it again. He had been unresponsive for 2 days, blood pressure and heart rate critically low. I was up most of the night; on the phone with doctors, nurses, family. Sunday morning at 10am he was sitting up in bed eating breakfast. They stabilized him enough to place a pacemaker, he's back in rehab and we've had one good week. So hey, I think things are looking up.

**Warning, things get depressing after this so if you want to quit reading, I'll understand.

I may have hinted to the fact that there has been some mama drama in my life recently also, but for the most part I've tried to avoid discussing it with too many people and it's just felt too personal to share here. Now I feel I just need to write it down. The last 1.5 years I've watched my mom's life spiral out of control. She started dating a guy who is an alcoholic, then she started drinking too and well it just does down hill from there. I just can't understand how someone barely drinks for the first 55 years of their life (well except for the occasional have a few drinks and live it up) can so quickly go down the other path. More and more she was drunk and her behavior erratic. She was lying to me about everything. I found myself putting more and more distance between us. It just became to difficult to watch and I could feel myself getting pulled into the situation.

I know that the root of mom's problems stems from the fact that she's suffered with severe depression her entire life. It's been a constant cycle; she hits bottom, goes on medication, evens out so stops taking the medication, then cycles back down. This year has been extra rough on her. First my brother and his family moved away in April, June she lost her job and now in August dad had a stroke. She came to Ohio with my younger brother to see him, but he refused to let her in his hospital room (for reasons only he knows). When she got out of the van in Ohio it was the first time I had seen her in months...she was barely recognizable.

Since then she had called me several times always slurring and crying. Friday I received one of these calls on my way home from work. She was asking me to help her, telling me she just wants to die and how she's considering taking pills and ending it all. I told her I would help her by taking her to a hospital. I drove to the apartment she's been sharing with a friend to find her in a terrible state; unable to stand, wailing uncontrollably, and begging to die. I called 911 and after spending the night in a local hospital she was transferred to a mental health unit. That's where she is tonight and for a few days at least, I don't have to worry.

All this time I've been accusing her of drinking, but when we arrived at the ER, I found a pill bottle in her purse with no label and pills I didn't recognize. When the doctor identified them, we found they contained Valium. Her "good friend", the nurse with a narcotic problem who always quits her job when things start coming up missing, gave them to her to help with anxiety. Valium + depression + alcohol = one very big mess!

A is a saint for putting up with all this shit. I can feel her eyes on me observing every move and mood; watching me for a sign, waiting for me to have a tearful breakdown. Honestly for some reason I have not; not through all of dad's situation and not through mom's drama either. I'm still in problem-solving deal with things mode. I can't let myself be too emotionally involved because then things don't get done. I don't have the luxury of sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I talk to A and discuss how I feel. I rant and bitch about bad decisions but for the most part what I feel right now is just anger and annoyance. I feel myself wanting to close off and I have to constantly remind myself to not block out A and the other important people in my life. Hmm, how long before I have to check myself in for a mental health vacation too?

Thursday, September 9, 2010


Around here, we have our "chores"...Mel is in charge of laundry, and I do dishes. Tonight, my washer woman was at it again. Usually, you wear your clothes, take 'em off and throw them into the hamper at the end of the day, right? Not here. I am hunted down for the clothing on my back, and ordered to strip, and put my clothes in the wash. Sometimes, she's forceful: "get those clothes off, NOW, and get 'em in the machine". I must be bucking it too much, because tonight it was this:
M: "are you gonna get into your pajamas soon?"
A: "not right now" (I can smell bleach wafting up from the laundry room, so I know she's up to something)
M: "well, I think you should put 'em on" (she's eyeing my clothes)
A: "I just put this on!"
M: "well, I'm doing a load of whites, and I want the white clothing you have on"
A: "can't I pee first?"
M: "NO!"
Now, I'm moving a little bit slowly this evening due to moving a large load of bricks out of the back of the pickup, and my back is feeling the bite, plus I got the damned limp back, so, I'm not moving FAST ENOUGH.......
M: "why are you limping?"
A: "because my back is sore and my leg is numb"
M: "well, I'll help you get into your pajamas"
(I'm thinking, hmmmmmmm....this could be a fun laundry night) she herds me down to the basement......
"M: "ok, what do you wanna wear? shorts or pants?"
One time, I had just put on a clean t-shirt, wore it for 2 hours, only to be ordered to PUT IT IN THE MACHINE.
I see my future. I'm gonna be the old, demented bag that fights to keep an outfit on after wearing it for a month, and she's gonna be the one stripping me....and saying, "don't fight me, 'cuz you'll never win".
And dammit, she's right.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Who wants to come to a bonfire?

I'm burning my PC. I've had it with the piece of shit! This is my third Dell laptop. The first two lasted about 5 years each. I consider that respectable considering all the use and abuse. This spring our last one died suddenly but not totally unexpected after it was resuscitated the year prior. I knew its days were numbered and it had served us well. We went last minute and picked up another Dell and it's been one headache after another! It deletes whatever the hell it wants, the keyboard types when it wants. It has been in to the computer techs and no virus or worm can be found. Dell replaced the keyboard; it still types when it wants. Dell service can't find a problem and they will not admit this thing is a dud. I got into an argument with some guy in India because I wouldn't pay them extra to re-install my operating system. I did it myself later and it didn't work anyway. So I've been questioning if this is a Windows 7 problem or Dell problem. After talking to people, I've found several others with the same problem with their Dell computers.  It's so upsetting to be reading my email and watch it just go down the line deleting. I can't do anything with photos because it tries to delete them and then freezes. This thing is unreliable; it cannot be trusted

I've been coveting a Mac for over a year now. I go to Best Buy and the Apple Store to look at them with longing and stroke their smooth lines. I've been surfing the website and building my own. Tonight I took the plunge and ordered my iMac. It will be here next week and hopefully my computer frustrations will end. Tonight I'm going to fantasize about the many ways I could destroy this computer even though I know A won't really let me. A girl can dream, right?

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Saturday Trip to the Vineyard in Pictures

A has been anxious to get me away from the house for a little relaxation and time together. She planned a trip to a local winery and then a tour of their vineyard. It was a beautiful day but cooler than normal for this time of year. I didn't care since it was nice to just be out spending time with my love and soaking up the sunshine.
I loved this shelter and think it would be a great spot for a wedding.
There are 2 resident vineyard dogs. They are definitely NOT guard dogs and I made fast friends with this girl. Later I shared my lunch with her and the other lab.
These grapes are the variety used in our favorite wine produced by this winery.
During the tour we could pick and eat as many grapes as we wanted.
I took advantage of that.
Hiding in the vineyard.

Wine produced from the very grapes grown here.
We stopped at the deli in town to pick up fried chicken and other goodies for a picnic.
We found a quiet spot on the hillside and poured our wine in the fancy glasses the winery gave us.
After lunch we purchased baskets and went out to pick grapes. For $3 you could fit as many grapes as possible in one of those containers to take home.
 Our haul...the extra full one on the left is mine of course. I LOVED these Blue Bells and they are the most vibrant color. The picture really doesn't do them justice.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Now I'm Really Frustrated

Over two weeks and my sweetie and I have not been able to "connect". She's been working long hours, I was away, add the additional stress and exhaustion...we just haven't been in sync. Today I was able to sneak out of work early so I hurried home for a little action. Basically I attacked her when I came through the door.

We were having a fabulous time and both reaching the point of orgasm when I feel a muscle cramp starting in my left leg. Damn it, I'll just work through it; I'm not stopping now. I shifted just a bit hoping the change in position will help and a full blown "charlie horse" hit right in the back of my thigh.  I was screaming and writhing and A thought she was doing something right, even though she admitted later that it didn't sound like my "normal" screaming. I was finally able to yell leg cramp as I rolled out of bed and nearly fell on the floor. She's sitting there shocked and dazed; telling me to walk it out.

I'm thinking what a mood-killer but maybe we can pick up where we left off. No, as soon as I got back in bed it started cramping again and A was trying to rub my leg and laughing at me as I apologized for ruining her orgasm. Finally she looks at me laughing and tells me she doesn't think she can get the groove back. I have to agree since the dogs are now barking and my leg feels like it could spasm at anytime. So now I'm sexually frustrated as well as having a sore leg. I need to start yoga and maybe next time warm-up stretching would be a good idea. Can we incorporate that into foreplay?