I feel like the girl on the box of Morton salt, "When it rains, it pours."

Lately the weekends have lost their luster and I find myself actually looking forward to the work week; it's normal, routine. I have something else to focus on. Three of the last four weekends have been some sort of drama so today I spent as my own personal mental health day; sipping tea, sitting in the warm sunshine and blogging. It was our anniversary Saturday but A has been in and out of the house all weekend; on-call again and always some "crisis" to deal with. We managed to sneak out for dinner tonight to our favorite Japanese restaurant but no other celebrations this weekend. Plus I'm amazed to report that even since I hit the "Place Order" button for my Mac, this damn PC has been functioning fine. Three months of daily bullshit and now it behaves?! It doesn't matter now how well it works, I've crossed that bridge and I'm not going back.

My dad has been up and down with an especially bad time Labor day weekend. I received a call from neurologist Sunday morning around 1am telling me he probably wasn't going to make it again. He had been unresponsive for 2 days, blood pressure and heart rate critically low. I was up most of the night; on the phone with doctors, nurses, family. Sunday morning at 10am he was sitting up in bed eating breakfast. They stabilized him enough to place a pacemaker, he's back in rehab and we've had one good week. So hey, I think things are looking up.

**Warning, things get depressing after this so if you want to quit reading, I'll understand.

I may have hinted to the fact that there has been some mama drama in my life recently also, but for the most part I've tried to avoid discussing it with too many people and it's just felt too personal to share here. Now I feel I just need to write it down. The last 1.5 years I've watched my mom's life spiral out of control. She started dating a guy who is an alcoholic, then she started drinking too and well it just does down hill from there. I just can't understand how someone barely drinks for the first 55 years of their life (well except for the occasional have a few drinks and live it up) can so quickly go down the other path. More and more she was drunk and her behavior erratic. She was lying to me about everything. I found myself putting more and more distance between us. It just became to difficult to watch and I could feel myself getting pulled into the situation.

I know that the root of mom's problems stems from the fact that she's suffered with severe depression her entire life. It's been a constant cycle; she hits bottom, goes on medication, evens out so stops taking the medication, then cycles back down. This year has been extra rough on her. First my brother and his family moved away in April, June she lost her job and now in August dad had a stroke. She came to Ohio with my younger brother to see him, but he refused to let her in his hospital room (for reasons only he knows). When she got out of the van in Ohio it was the first time I had seen her in months...she was barely recognizable.

Since then she had called me several times always slurring and crying. Friday I received one of these calls on my way home from work. She was asking me to help her, telling me she just wants to die and how she's considering taking pills and ending it all. I told her I would help her by taking her to a hospital. I drove to the apartment she's been sharing with a friend to find her in a terrible state; unable to stand, wailing uncontrollably, and begging to die. I called 911 and after spending the night in a local hospital she was transferred to a mental health unit. That's where she is tonight and for a few days at least, I don't have to worry.

All this time I've been accusing her of drinking, but when we arrived at the ER, I found a pill bottle in her purse with no label and pills I didn't recognize. When the doctor identified them, we found they contained Valium. Her "good friend", the nurse with a narcotic problem who always quits her job when things start coming up missing, gave them to her to help with anxiety. Valium + depression + alcohol = one very big mess!

A is a saint for putting up with all this shit. I can feel her eyes on me observing every move and mood; watching me for a sign, waiting for me to have a tearful breakdown. Honestly for some reason I have not; not through all of dad's situation and not through mom's drama either. I'm still in problem-solving deal with things mode. I can't let myself be too emotionally involved because then things don't get done. I don't have the luxury of sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I talk to A and discuss how I feel. I rant and bitch about bad decisions but for the most part what I feel right now is just anger and annoyance. I feel myself wanting to close off and I have to constantly remind myself to not block out A and the other important people in my life. Hmm, how long before I have to check myself in for a mental health vacation too?

laundry

Around here, we have our "chores"...Mel is in charge of laundry, and I do dishes. Tonight, my washer woman was at it again. Usually, you wear your clothes, take 'em off and throw them into the hamper at the end of the day, right? Not here. I am hunted down for the clothing on my back, and ordered to strip, and put my clothes in the wash. Sometimes, she's forceful: "get those clothes off, NOW, and get 'em in the machine". I must be bucking it too much, because tonight it was this:
M: "are you gonna get into your pajamas soon?"
A: "not right now" (I can smell bleach wafting up from the laundry room, so I know she's up to something)
M: "well, I think you should put 'em on" (she's eyeing my clothes)
A: "I just put this on!"
M: "well, I'm doing a load of whites, and I want the white clothing you have on"
A: "can't I pee first?"
M: "NO!"
Now, I'm moving a little bit slowly this evening due to moving a large load of bricks out of the back of the pickup, and my back is feeling the bite, plus I got the damned limp back, so, I'm not moving FAST ENOUGH.......
M: "why are you limping?"
A: "because my back is sore and my leg is numb"
M: "well, I'll help you get into your pajamas"
(I'm thinking, hmmmmmmm....this could be a fun laundry night) she herds me down to the basement......
"M: "ok, what do you wanna wear? shorts or pants?"
AND PROCEEDS TO STRIP ME DOWN, AND SHE WANTS ALL OF IT, ALL OF IT AND DO IT NOW BECAUSE THE DAMNED WASHER IS RUNNING AND YOU'RE TOO  SLOW AND THAT MEANS THE T-SHIRT, TOO, AND LETS SEE WHAT UNDERPANTS YOU HAVE ON OH I DON'T WANT THOSE BECAUSE I'M DOING A LOAD OF WHITES GET 'EM IN, GET 'EM IN NOW!!!!!!
One time, I had just put on a clean t-shirt, wore it for 2 hours, only to be ordered to PUT IT IN THE MACHINE.
I see my future. I'm gonna be the old, demented bag that fights to keep an outfit on after wearing it for a month, and she's gonna be the one stripping me....and saying, "don't fight me, 'cuz you'll never win".
And dammit, she's right.

Who wants to come to a bonfire?

I'm burning my PC. I've had it with the piece of shit! This is my third Dell laptop. The first two lasted about 5 years each. I consider that respectable considering all the use and abuse. This spring our last one died suddenly but not totally unexpected after it was resuscitated the year prior. I knew its days were numbered and it had served us well. We went last minute and picked up another Dell and it's been one headache after another! It deletes whatever the hell it wants, the keyboard types when it wants. It has been in to the computer techs and no virus or worm can be found. Dell replaced the keyboard; it still types when it wants. Dell service can't find a problem and they will not admit this thing is a dud. I got into an argument with some guy in India because I wouldn't pay them extra to re-install my operating system. I did it myself later and it didn't work anyway. So I've been questioning if this is a Windows 7 problem or Dell problem. After talking to people, I've found several others with the same problem with their Dell computers.  It's so upsetting to be reading my email and watch it just go down the line deleting. I can't do anything with photos because it tries to delete them and then freezes. This thing is unreliable; it cannot be trusted

I've been coveting a Mac for over a year now. I go to Best Buy and the Apple Store to look at them with longing and stroke their smooth lines. I've been surfing the website and building my own. Tonight I took the plunge and ordered my iMac. It will be here next week and hopefully my computer frustrations will end. Tonight I'm going to fantasize about the many ways I could destroy this computer even though I know A won't really let me. A girl can dream, right?

Saturday Trip to the Vineyard in Pictures

A has been anxious to get me away from the house for a little relaxation and time together. She planned a trip to a local winery and then a tour of their vineyard. It was a beautiful day but cooler than normal for this time of year. I didn't care since it was nice to just be out spending time with my love and soaking up the sunshine.

I loved this shelter and think it would be a great spot for a wedding.

There are 2 resident vineyard dogs. They are definitely NOT guard dogs and I made fast friends with this girl. Later I shared my lunch with her and the other lab.

These grapes are the variety used in our favorite wine produced by this winery.

During the tour we could pick and eat as many grapes as we wanted.

I took advantage of that.

Hiding in the vineyard.

Wine produced from the very grapes grown here.

We stopped at the deli in town to pick up fried chicken and other goodies for a picnic.

We found a quiet spot on the hillside and poured our wine in the fancy glasses the winery gave us.

After lunch we purchased baskets and went out to pick grapes. For $3 you could fit as many grapes as possible in one of those containers to take home.

 Our haul...the extra full one on the left is mine of course. I LOVED these Blue Bells and they are the most vibrant color. The picture really doesn't do them justice.

Now I'm Really Frustrated

Over two weeks and my sweetie and I have not been able to "connect". She's been working long hours, I was away, add the additional stress and exhaustion...we just haven't been in sync. Today I was able to sneak out of work early so I hurried home for a little action. Basically I attacked her when I came through the door.

We were having a fabulous time and both reaching the point of orgasm when I feel a muscle cramp starting in my left leg. Damn it, I'll just work through it; I'm not stopping now. I shifted just a bit hoping the change in position will help and a full blown "charlie horse" hit right in the back of my thigh.  I was screaming and writhing and A thought she was doing something right, even though she admitted later that it didn't sound like my "normal" screaming. I was finally able to yell leg cramp as I rolled out of bed and nearly fell on the floor. She's sitting there shocked and dazed; telling me to walk it out.

I'm thinking what a mood-killer but maybe we can pick up where we left off. No, as soon as I got back in bed it started cramping again and A was trying to rub my leg and laughing at me as I apologized for ruining her orgasm. Finally she looks at me laughing and tells me she doesn't think she can get the groove back. I have to agree since the dogs are now barking and my leg feels like it could spasm at anytime. So now I'm sexually frustrated as well as having a sore leg. I need to start yoga and maybe next time warm-up stretching would be a good idea. Can we incorporate that into foreplay?

Update and More Straight People Weirdness

Around here things have greatly improved...along with my state of mind. Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. It means more to me than I can express.

I'm happy to report that dad has greatly improved. Just a little over a week after having a stroke and given 2-3 days to live, he has now been transferred into the rehabilitation center and is improving daily. I talked to him on the phone this weekend and although his speech is still slurred, we can still carry on a decent conversation. He's bitching about the hospital food and staff so he's definitely on the mend. My brother and I moved his stuff out of his apartment Saturday in record time. My brother brought his son, step-son and a friend. Man those young guys sure can move! I didn't lift one heavy box or piece of furniture and we were finished in 3 hours.

A missed me like crazy while I was away (and the feeling was mutual) so she's been extra sweet and following me around with "google" eyes. This weekend I finally asked her why she was looking at me so goofy. She asked if I would rather have her leering at me. Well not really but then she laughed and said when she looks at me with those goofy eyes, she's looking at the woman she loves. When she looks at me with that leering look (which only happened one time when I was wearing a naughty Ms. Santa outfit) she looking at me like the naughty girl she wants me to be. UGH!!! She knows saying something like that could make me jump from a moving car and loves to get me embarrassed.

I wanted share another experience had while visiting my dad. I have been in some contact mostly via text with the old school friend who contacted me this spring. For the most part, the conversation is all about her (nothing new about that) but she knew I was in town and insisted we meet for dinner and drinks before I left to return home. Monday night I finally agreed. We had not seen each other in over 12 years but the night went okay and mostly I just sat there sipping my drink and listening to her babble on about her new boyfriend, not yet ex-husband and kids. I loved the fact her mom came to see me too since I practically lived at their home when I was a kid and she was like my second mom.

After her mom left, she started telling me how her new boyfriend wants to bring another man or woman into their bed. She's interested but nervous and he wants her to be the one to go out and find another woman to bring in. Earlier she had sent him a picture of the two of us and then he sends a message back asking if I wanted to "join them". Seriously, is there something tattooed on my forehead that says "hey, ask me and I'll do anything"! I politely declined and told them that I'm in a committed, monogamous relationship and have no desire to change that. I was too tired to say much more but when I returned home and shared the story with  A and other friends, I can't help but find myself more and more annoyed. Is this really what people think? Do they really believe we are all bed-hoppers, up for anyone, anyway, anyhow?

Silence Broken

I can't believe it's been a month since I posted. Time has been flying and I'm running to keep up. Every time I've attempted to write, I just can't find the words. There has been so much drama lately and I have not known where to start. So this will likely be just a long post about what I'm dealing with right now---You are warned.

I know I've written about my father being diagnosed with rectal cancer last September. He went through a lot of testing and finally started 5 weeks of chemotherapy and radiation around Thanksgiving. He did very well through his treatments and then had surgery at the beginning of March. For the most part, he came through that pretty well too. Then in May he started another 4 months of chemotherapy. He was feeling great and even went back to work part-time while he was finishing his treatments. Two weeks ago he returned to Ohio to visit his brother and sister like he does every year around this time. After a couple days, he started having trouble breathing and was admitted to the hospital and diagnosed with congestive heart failure. His heart was only working at 15% and they had to remove fluid from inside and outside his lungs as well as around his heart. The doctors believe the chemo has damaged his heart and it's very weak. I have to agree since he had multiple tests on his heart prior to starting his first chemotherapy and again before he had surgery in March and all tests came back okay.

Last Thursday he was released from the hospital and my older brother was planning to fly down over the weekend and drive him home. I went to bed at 11:30pm Thursday night and at 12:30am my older brother called to tell me dad had a stroke and was airlifted to Ohio State University hospital. I immediately got up and started packing to leave but by 2am I had been up nearly 24 hours and A insisted I try to get some sleep before making the drive.

Friday while I was on the road, I got a call from the doctor telling me that there was nothing they could do to treat dad. His heart was only working at 10% and he was forming blood clots and had one near his heart. They couldn't give him blood thinners for the clots because of the hemorrhage in his brain. In the doctor's opinion, dad only had 2-3 days to live. My older brother was flying out in the morning and my younger brother was on the road from South Dakota. I got into Columbus early Saturday morning and the outlook was not very good.

It was a long weekend but somehow by Monday morning dad had improved and was actually joking around with the doctor when he came in during rounds. The doctor told us he was amazed to see dad still alive and apologized for his call on Friday. Monday they started treating him with blood thinners for the clots. On Tuesday they moved dad out of ICU and today they moved him to the rehab part of the hospital. He is not really in the clear though. His heart is still very weak and there's a real possibility of another clot causing a stroke or heart attack or his heart just failing completely. At this point it's still one day at a time. Tuesday I had to make the decision about when I had to leave and come home. Tuesday night I was back on the road to Minnesota. My brother left Tuesday too. Even though the reality is that I need to return to work and I can't just sit there indefinitely, I can't help but feel guilty like I'm dumping the situation on my aunt and uncle. Dad refuses to return to MN; he wants to stay in OH for rehab and make it a permanent move.  Now I'm so far away and have to handle things. This weekend  my brother and I are moving everything out of his apartment and putting it in storage. There's just a lot to figure out and I'm trying to avoid some other people's drama (mainly my mother's). Mom drama is the topic of a whole other post. It's too exhausting to think about...or write about.

So that's what's happening in my life right now. It didn't help me to be away from A for so long. We were in constant contact but I just felt lost without her. She was at home with the dogs and feeling guilty for not being with me. When she came home from work Wednesday, we just curled up and I slept the best sleep I had in days. You can't pay for therapy that works any better than that.