Fathers

Officially Father's day is almost over but well I'm late for everything else, so why not this too. I spent most of the day installing new flooring in the hallway. Yesterday morning I had planned to steam clean the carpet but by the afternoon I changed my mind and instead ripped out carpet and picked up new flooring at Home Depot. Anyway since it was a one person job and A was keeping busy and out of my way, I had a lot of time to think as I worked. I figured today was as good as any to write about my latest visit with dad.

I think this picture was taken of my dad and I on my second birthday. I'm pretty sure that was the year I received that fabulous tricycle. I'm surprised I still remember that bike. 

When A and I arrived in Ohio, I admit I didn't go to see dad right away. He didn't know I was coming and I was concerned that he would worry/obsess about our visit. Plus every conversation I've had with him the last 6 months has been about him returning to Minnesota so I honestly was dragging my feet to have that conversation face-to-face. When my aunt (my mom's sister) offered to go along with us to visit, I sighed with relief at having that extra support. She goes to visit him every couple weeks.

Thursday morning we drove the care facility where he is living. I was relieved to see how nice it was. A and I were inspecting everything. :) He was still in bed and my aunt walked in first. He looked up and gave her a little wave. She leaned over and told him she brought a surprise, that A and I were there. He looked at me, said "hi" and just launched into bitching and complaining. He wasn't really complaining about anything in the present, he was still complaining about things that happened a year or more ago. I wasn't really able to have much of a conversation with him. We just sat back and listened to him talk and I realized that he is living in the past. He told us the same stories he's told us for years. He thinks he still has a job here in MN and wonders when he will be able to get back to work. He knows he needs to live somewhere where he can be taken care of but also thinks he can drive, return to MN and move back into his apartment. He goes back and forth between knowing his grandchildren live in South Dakota to thinking they are still living across the street from me. 

It was a beautiful day so we took him outside to sit for awhile. I was relieved to see that Dad still very much looks the same. He was thinner but not overly so and he is eating well. 

As for the person my dad was, well that person is very much gone. I didn't realize how much that has effected me until I typed it right now. I've been hiding (or suffocating) that fact; pushing it down and forcing myself to look at this from a medical perspective.

The most obvious thing to me was when I arrived and gave dad a hug, he showed no emotion. He didn't hug me back or hold my hand or do any of the things he normally would have. He didn't even call me "Mac", the nickname he gave me before I can remember. When I left the hospital last August, he was weak but he kept rubbing my hand with his good one and telling me "I love ya Mac". When my brothers and I left he cried. This time there was nothing...no emotion just talk about nothing that really matters anymore. 

I didn't show any emotion either.

A was on stand-by. Nothing happened. I think she's still waiting.

I don't think dad even remembers my visit and maybe that's for the best. While I was there, I called one of my brothers so they could talk to him and then I forgot my phone in his room when I left. By the time I realized it, one of the employees had found it and taken it to the office. When they asked dad if he knew whose phone it was, he didn't know and didn't know who had been there to visit. 

Not all my thoughts on this Father's Day were sad though. I also remembered my grandpa this day.

This is the first and only topless picture you will find of me on the internet. I must have been a little over a year old when this picture was taken which would have made my grandpa around 75. I'm eating a grape popsicle. My mom tells me it was the only flavor I would eat at that time.

In many ways, my grandpa was more of a father figure to me than dad. He was kind and stable and peaceful. He told great stories and drew pictures and carved airplanes out of wood. He was always humming a song and after a few drinks, he might sing. After a few more drinks he might dance too. I would sit on his lap and eat cookies, doughnuts or crackers dipped in coffee. He would fry eggs and make us sandwiches. Mom tells the story of returning home to find my diaper secured with black electrical tape (in the days before re-positionable fasteners). He sat in a chair in the corner of our huge kitchen reading large print westerns. He had a nickname for everyone and gave me the name "little fuzz" when I was 3 days old; 35 years later some still call me by that name. He was the one who would tell me that my dad's obsessive behavior and fighting with my mom "wasn't right". 


He was already 52 years old when my mom was born and raising his second family. When my parents divorced, we moved back with him. By that time he was around 80 years old. He should have been enjoying his time but took us in, supported us financially when dad wouldn't and never seemed to regret it one bit. He always took me with him as he worked around the house. I would sit as he fixed things and he showed me how things worked. To this day I swear that if I'm stuck on some project around the house, I will set it aside and that night I will find the solution in my dreams...usually suggested by grandpa. He was the one who would tell me that it didn't matter I was a girl, I could do anything I wanted. That's pretty forward thinking for a man born in 1902.

Of all the people who have come and gone from my life, he is the one person I miss the most.

Vacation Withdrawls

We've been home for days and have too easily slipped into the same old routine. That's so frustrating after having such a nice relaxing vacation. I don't want to be pulled back into reality. I don't want to live on a schedule. I want to have A back; have her all to myself and we can cruise around exploring and meeting new/old friends and sing along with the radio at the top of our lungs and dance by the campfire and flirt and play and just do whatever we want. Is that too much to ask?

When we pulled up in front of our house Sunday afternoon the dogs went crazy. They knew they were home and for the next 3 hours proceeded to run through the house and backyard until I was wishing I would have dropped a couple of them out along the interstate. Within 2 hours, A and I had the RV almost completely cleaned out and I had already washed two loads of laundry. Not bad since we spent a week packing and lived in there for 9 days.

We arrived home to find our flower beds in bloom; full of lilies, roses and daisies. There were only a few iris left after the heavy rain. We missed the lilacs but I was thrilled that we didn't miss the peonies since those are my favorites of the summer. The three older bushes were collapsing under the weight of the blooms and this year we had two newer bushes produce just one flower each. 

They are all different varieties and the scents differ but when I cut those glorious blooms, I had enough to fill 2 large vases and in one smaller vase I added a few daisies and iris (FYI: I never claimed to have any talent for flower arrangement). When I brought them inside the scent filled our house.

As I sit here, I can smell them even though they are past their prime. I suppose by tomorrow I'll have to take them out to compost.

I wrote a little about our trip almost everyday, but I need to go through and fill in some things and add pictures. Meanwhile, I'm getting around to catching up on reading blogs and my email was overflowing.

Pre-Vacation Brain Dump

We're on the countdown. I should be sleeping since I have to go to work in the morning and then we leave in the afternoon. I'm excited to see friends and family. I'm excited about traveling with A and getting the dogs transported. I'm excited about taking A out for day trips and hiking around in the hills. After all that is "home" even if I don't live there anymore. The one part of my trip that gives me any concern is seeing my father. I don't really know what to expect from the visit but I'm not expecting things to go well. Of course when I don't want to deal with something uncomfortable, my natural response is to avoid.


Since my dad had his stroke last August, I haven't shared much about him. When I left Ohio to return to Minnesota, I was surprised that dad was even still alive. He was not expected to make it through the weekend. He did and insisted to my brothers and I that he wanted to stay in Ohio. He absolutely did not want to return to Minnesota. I truly felt that when I drove away that would be the last time I would see my dad alive. But as bad as I felt for having to leave, my life had to continue and I had to come home; my life, work and most importantly A was here.  I honestly started to feel like I was going a little insane without her; like I was barely holding myself together. I drove home almost straight through feeling exhausted and  bruised.


Since I came home last August, Dad's health has been an up/down thing and now it seems that he's declining more both mentally and physically. His heart is weak, he has not regained much mobility on his left side and the medications used to prevent blood clots is so harsh that it alone causes additional complications. 


Last fall he started calling and telling me he wanted to return to Minnesota. He called us all hours of the day and night. He left multiple repetitive and angry messages on our phones and then became even more angry when we didn't answer (we were working). He wanted my brother and I to come get him. Even now when I talk to him he goes back and forth between knowing he can't do things to thinking he can come back here, live on his own and if he could just find his keys, he would go out, get in his truck and drive himself back. He was paranoid (that's not unusual for him) but it was worse than usual and he was manipulating family members to fight each other as well as for sympathy. These behaviors have decreased a little the past few months and I think it's because he'a failing more physically. Maybe he has just given up. 


I have been a caregiver for many patients with dementia and those suffering from conditions that have caused them loss of control over their world. I understand the psychology behind these behaviors but it's different being on the inside as a family member. It's hard to block the emotional part of things; take a deep breath, step back and think about what's really going on. 


Dad doesn't know I'm coming. I didn't tell any of my family until just a few weeks ago for different reasons. If dad knew I were coming to visit, he would be convinced that A and I are picking him up to drive him back. I didn't tell my mom because I didn't want her trying to hitch a ride. He has been manipulating her to the max these past months and I know his situation contributed to her mental/depression issues. Even when I told her a few weeks ago about out trip, she asked shocked if we were planning to bring him back in the RV! Seriously, I think she's delusional too! No matter how many times I talk to her about the medical risks, financial situation and liability involved, she just doesn't get it. In the end, I end up "being the bad person" for not giving a sick man what he wants. I say bullshit! Both my brothers and I believe that he is too medically unstable to transport and if he did come back here, he would have the same complaints. He would accuse us of not taking care of him too. And I know my mother well enough to know that dad wouldn't even be here 24 hours and she would be talking about how sick she was of him. 


Well I should try to get some sleep now. Maybe since I wrote these things down my brain will be lighter. I'm sorry if things don't make sense but I weary. I'm sure I'm just making more of this situation in my mind and reality will be much better. Here's hoping.

35

Yesterday was my 35th birthday. 

I worked in the morning and came home to find A had made this special banner. If you're a fan of "The Office" you will understand. If not well I just can't have your type stopping by to read. Nah, just kidding. 

A has been asking for weeks...or maybe it's been months about what I want to do, where I want to go, what I want for a gift. 

My choice was to stay at home and have dinner. She loves to cook. I requested grilled shrimp. She came home with these monstrous prawns.

 Soaking in a marinade of key lime juice, green chilies, garlic, onion and ginger.

 And grilled to perfection...even out in the pouring rain.

Served with my favorite grilled asparagus and baked potato.

 

I asked for a margarita cake this year. The cake and the glaze contain tequila, triple sec and margarita mix made with key limes. Once you go to the key limes, you can't go back.

We played in the yard with the dogs. When the rain came we took a nap and then got up and drank margaritas. Not a bad birthday at all.

New Levels of Insanity and a Tacky RV Make-Over

Meet my 2 newest house guests.

 Leeza

Chantelle

Let me stress that they are only guests and will be heading to their own homes in less than 2 weeks. They are sweet and polite but there are entirely too many dogs in this house. Leeza and Chantelle's addition brings us to the insane number of 10. Yes, that's right I said TEN!!      When I sighed and muttered those words this morning, A practically dropped to her knees rejoicing that I realize that fact. 

When A and I finalized our trip to Ohio, we couldn't very well leave without at least offering to transport any dogs that needed to head east. We have foster homes along the route and with gas prices, well transports are becoming more limited. Early last week it appeared that we weren't going to have any extras along but by the middle of the week, two adopters had contacted us about meeting along our route to pick up their newest addition. By Friday, I had it all planned out and Saturday I picked them up while doing my previously planned transport. I can't help but be amazed by the dedication and efficiency of the people I work with on a regular basis; four people came from four directions and dogs were swapped, 3 headed for adoptive homes and another 6 headed for the first time into a foster home. It was a good day.

Between all the seemingly non-stop rain we have managed to get the RV road ready. The all important engine maintenance and wheel and tire conversion was completed a few weeks ago. Then we decided to start a little make-over on the interior. We plan to paint but don't have time to get into that yet so we started easy by covering the retro sea-foam green 1987 interior and replacing the curtains with bright colors and now we're kind of hippie-ish. 

Before

A said she wanted bright colors and I aim to please. In the rear there are two more windows with turquoise, purple and pink curtains and I covered the rear bench with a bright polka dot sheet. Now I can't wait to start painting.
For the driver and passenger seats we chose blue Hawaiian seat covers. Once A got a look at those, she decided she wouldn't be satisfied without a dashboard hula girl to complete the look. Meet "Sweet Leilani". I found her and several others on Ebay. A made her choice and I had her shipped to us from Hawaii even though I'm sure her point of origin is China. Looks like she is more traveled than us already.

What can I say except that when we decide to go tacky and cliche, we go all the way. 

My favorite part of this picture is A's lumbar support pillow in the driver's seat. :)

Before placing Leilani on the dashboard for our hula-ing pleasure, A just couldn't resist finding out what she had on under that skirt. For the record, she has a yellow bikini. 

Here in Minnesota, spring has finally arrived in some way, shape or form. It's been extremely rainy and cooler than normal but that doesn't stop life from struggling forward. The farmers may not be able to get into the fields but the plants have managed to push through the soil. The leaves appeared on the trees overnight and my hostas shot up like magic. The rosebushes are filling out and the ants are already working on the peony buds. A planted her salsa garden; herbs, tomato and pepper plants yesterday between scattered thunderstorms. We just can't keep waiting for mother-nature to get her ass in gear.

This Life is All Just an Adventure (And A Long Post)

I woke up this morning to thunder and lightening and hail. For one brief moment I thought I should get up and check things out...but then I rolled over and my muscles groaned and I decided I wasn't going anywhere. I looked at the kitty sleeping on my pillow and moaned, "Can't I have just one more day at home?" A few hours later I got my wish; work called to tell me my schedule had fallen apart. Yeah, I get to stay home.

My weekend started at 5pm Friday on a gloomy note. I left work and as I turned toward home I could see a huge storm cloud in the distance. All I could think was great, finally a beautiful day stuck indoors and just as I get to go home, here comes the rain again. Fuck!!
Luckily is was just a quick moving rain cloud and I just missed the sun-shower as I drove up to a lake just 5 miles from my house. Instead I was treated with a view of this beautiful rainbow.

At home A had the same idea and took a picture from our backyard. 

It ended up being a lovely evening and we spent it at home.

Saturday I woke early to a beautiful sunny day. It was a little cool, only in the 50s but perfect weather for  walking/running. It was especially nice for me who had not been out training for over 2+ weeks because of the cold rain/snow.  We actually made it out the door and to the 5K early (because I'm usually running late) and we got to see the 1/2 marathon runners start. 

Before the 5K, the 5 of us posed for one last photo just in case someone dropped over beside the road.  I have to admit that some of us (mainly me) were kind of lazy 5Kers. We walked up hills and jogged down. We just wanted to finish before time was up. I did get a little stressed at one point. We came around a corner and the Boy Scouts were set up handing out water. Someone asked how far to the finish and I swore she said we were 1 mile in. At this point I'm starting to panic, "OMG A, did she say we've only went a mile! That can't be right! We still have 2 miles! I can't go another 2 miles!!" Picture that I'm panting and wanting to die. A just tried to reassure me that only a mile left, "Just keep thinking Blood Mary, Bloody Mary".  I told her I don't like Bloody Marys that damn much! 

All my life I've heard of the mythical "Runners High". What a fucking joke! Afterward I had that damn lactic acid burn in my legs and the girls told me that was supposed to be a great feeling. I told them that feeling is only great if induced by wild, mind-blowing sex. Otherwise, it's a waste!

The girl who had my camera didn't know how to turn it on, so she didn't get a picture of us crossing the finish line. But we finished in 39:22. The first of our group finished in 32:04 and everyone else fell in between. The average finish for the whole 5K was 41:26 so we were all better than average. Bonus, no cramp in my side!

Afterward, Bloody Mary, beer chaser and a huge-ass breakfast that calorie content surpassed what I had just burnt off. I will admit, that after my belly was full, I agreed to do it again next year. I'm a glutton for punishment.

We came home and spent some time outside with the dogs. Last year at our rescue auction I won a dog agility set and wanted to try out the tunnel; some sniffed it, others just avoided it. A thought it would be a good idea to climb in and maybe entice the dogs inside.

Okay, now they're interested.

 Jill even went inside for a minute.

But then she got stuck and the dogs scattered. Notice, I take pictures but don't rush to help her. I wonder what my neighbors think. Even after all this, we had to go grocery shopping plus I had extra stops to make. By the time we came home that night, I could barely walk. Every muscle in the lower 1/2 of my body was screaming and I was asking myself why the hell do I do these things without properly preparing.

Mother's Day went off without a hitch. A and I both invited our mothers out to brunch at a nearby restaurant. It's on the river and they have great outdoor spaces and a lot of feeders and nesting areas to attract birds and other wildlife. It was busy and they didn't accept reservations but the awesome breakfast was worth the wait. 

After the moms went home, A got to work installing a new stereo system in the RV. Sounds simple until you realize the RV is 24 years old and so is the old radio. We knew we needed to install new speakers but when we pulled the old radio out, well things were just wired differently back then. The radios didn't need as much power and there were only 5 wires. A new stereo has more like 15-20 wires and needs additional power from wires that don't exist. This endeavor required removing part of the dash, a Dremel to cut a larger opening and sacrificing the cigarette lighter for extra power. All in all, it worked out well and A gets an A+ for effort on that project.

Tonight I was doing my regular dinner preparation for the dogs. Here there is not just throwing some kibble in a bowl. There is food to be soaked and softened for the old toothless dogs, chicken to be cleaned and divided evenly (okay, I admit the old man gets a little extra) and all the while there is dancing and leaping and scratching and woo-wooing and the chirping of LuLu. Tonight during all this chaos, A stood leaning against the counter watching. When I asked her what she was smiling about she just simply stated "If this all ended tomorrow, you would miss it." I rolled my eyes and sighed and muttered sarcastically about this glorious existence I live. This is how I've spent almost every evening for the past 5 years and she's right, I wouldn't change a thing.

I've been a bit absent here but I have a good excuse; once again my procrastination has caught up to me. I've been cramming some online continuing education classes in to complete my licensure requirements. Suddenly, it's my birthday month and I find myself unprepared. I'm happy to finally have that done. In two years, I'll probably find myself in the same boat. I've also taken on some new responsibilities with the rescue. Somehow I fell into Home Visit Coordinator for the Midwest. Huh? It is basically working with other rescues to find people to complete the home visit in areas where we don't have our own volunteers. The woman who was handling it had some medical issues with her husband so she's got her hands full. I have no experience but I'm sure I will find my way and I have great experienced people guiding me.

We also had a visitor for a week. Miss Leaha was our first foster. When she was adopted I cried for a week even though she was rowdy, unruly and bossy. She was adopted by a woman and then returned to rescue 7 months later because the woman was working all the time and Leaha was alone too much. Since then she has been in another foster home, but we wanted to get her into an area where she could get more exposure. She came here on a stop and then onward to South Dakota. She's such a pretty girl; almost 4 years old and still looks like a puppy. I was happy to see she's not quite as sassy these days.

Last Saturday we spent the whole day at PetsMart for an adoption event. There's no way to describe it except exhausting. Still we packed up all the dogs and supplies and hauled everyone out into the cold rain in hopes of finding someone a home. This little girl Cassie is always a star and charms everyone, but for some reason she's still here. Don't tell A that I really don't mind since she's my little cuddle buddy most evenings.

Maybe I need to start dressing them up like this...Oh, I want to so badly!

May 1st we woke up to 33 degrees and snow flurries. We said fuck it and brought the RV home anyway. I'm happy to report it started right up and we had no mouse damage. We have just four short weeks until we leave on our first road trip of the season. Honestly, it's all I can think about these days. I NEED to get he hell out of town. I'm hoping that a vacation will drastically change my point of view.