Snow, Stress and Home Improvement

I woke up in a foul mood this morning. Maybe it was the weather; 25 degrees and fucking snow on October 10th or maybe it's all the other things going through my head. All I know is that I'm happy that A was on-call this weekend and got called into the office this morning or I may be divorced by now.

I received a call from a family member 2 weeks ago to inform me they have been diagnosed with cancer. This person and I have not had a relationship for the last several years. I had stepped away from having a relationship with them when I just couldn't deal with their negative behavior anymore. After 30 years of hearing the same complaints, fights, and hurtful behaviors I just said I had enough-and cut off communication. I don't hate them, just couldn't handle it anymore. I know that some would say it is horrible to cut off a family member but I believe that some people are just toxic. Their negativity creeps into your life and they drag you down with them; sometimes that person is a member of your family. Anyway, this person now wants me to handle things for them if they become incapable and be the executor of their will. I feel obligated to do so and know they really have no one else dependable to handle things. So I take on this responsibility because it is my duty...and I feel the weight of this duty heavy on my shoulders.

As much as I hate to admit it I still sometimes fall into old habits of dealing with stress. I have tried to recognize the cycles and rise above the negative coping skills I learned from my parents but it is a constant battle to overcome those self-destructive habits. I am lucky to have a wonderful woman like A in my life. She knows when to just leave me alone and doesn't take everything personally. I doubt the two of us would still be together if we were closer in age (she's 14 years older). She was older and wiser when I was going through the craziness of my early and mid-twenties. She is actually a saint for putting up with me through some of those years. She was my rock, my stability and with her I grew to know myself, recognize my strengths and embrace my weaknesses.

I did manage to focus some of my energy today and painted my front door a beautiful shade of emerald green. We have lived in this house nearly 8 years with the same pale yellow-beige primed steel door; no spark, no curb-appeal, just BORING!! Since we put new siding on last fall and a new roof this spring it really made the entry just dated and drab. I didn't want a red door-too overdone (and my neighbors across the street have a red door), the idea of a blue door was just not right and I finally decided on green. It's taken weeks to find just the right shade and the effort was well worth it. Next spring-new storm door to really showcase my beautiful green door.