I'm Feeling Sentimental Today

I've been feeling really down and stressed this week. I'm sure it is the combination of the stress from my father, my psycho fighting family and PMS on top of it all. It's left me in a very negative state of mind; not my normal self. The bitches in my office have not been helping my mood and therefore I have turned into a terror at work. Since everything coming out of my mouth has been negative lately, I've resorted to hardly speaking at all during work but I think my disgust shows on my face. An even bigger part of my bad mood/attitude problem is just a lack of time at home and most importantly a lack of time with A. Her mood has been similair to mine and I've actually felt pity for the people who work for her. During these times I tend to go to my "happy place"; become reflective on the good things in my life and become somewhat sentimental.

Last night we just had to have a re-connect night. We met for dinner then came home, cuddled with the dogs for awhile then went sneaking away to our bed. It was so nice to just cuddle up under the covers and feel her arms around me. Instantly, the world was good again and I felt all my tension melt away. It is good to have someone to feel that close to and comfortable with. There is no need to talk. It is good to just be. After a 1/2 hour lying there I feel like I've been on vacation for a week.

Last night we were talking about 8 years ago we closed on this house and moved in together. For the first two years we had seperate apartments. A wanted to do the lesbian thing and move in right away but I resisted. We had both come out of relationships during that year and I really just wanted to live on my own for awhile. It's too easy to move onto the next relationship and bury all the baggage from the last one. Then 6 months into it, when the excitement wears off the baggage resurfaces and explodes (speaking from experience here). As good as everything was I just didn't want ot ruin it by moving in too fast. My relationship with A felt stable and good and the cynic in me didn't trust that that bottom would not fall out. We worked together, travelled and did the back and forth thing for years. After a 10 day road trip/camping trip without trouble and just a few months before our second anniversary I finally agreed it was time to move in. We were both in the position where our leases were almost up and we were tired of our apartments, so we decided to buy a house. We closed October 29th and started moving in on October 30th. It was an easy transition and we've been very happy here together. Looking back if I had to do it again, I would do things just the same.

Yeah, Lilith Fair Returns 2010!!

I'm so excited to see that Lilith Fair is returning in 2010. The last Lilith Fair in 1999 was such a special night to me.

I went to the concert with friends and co-workers just expecting to hang out and have a great time but came home with so much more. A and I were still only friends at that time. There was much flirting but no moves made, no confessions of attraction and definitely nothing physical. We were in the fun flirting stage when there are no strings attached and it is just harmless fun, but a definite current of electricity between us. I had been cruising along happily dating men and then that night sitting out on a grassy field and under this incredible full moon (I know, sounds cheesy) I looked at this woman and realized I could be falling for her. It felt right then it has every day since.

Several weeks later we took our relationship to the next level-even though I had to make all the first moves, but the memories and excitement of that summer night always stays with me.

The Destruction of My Waistline

Stress + PMS = A trip to the grocery store to buy a 1/2 gallon mint chocolate chip ice cream and a package of GrassHopper cookies. I sit here now using cookies to scoop ice cream out of the bucket as my ass manufactures cellulite. I will feel better tomorrow, right?

Arrrr, Family!!

I spent a relatively quiet day close to home. I needed it since I've been pulled in several different directions the last few weeks. I've been spending my days either working or on the road back and forth with my father to doctor appointments, tests and consultations. Between the drive to work and the drive to the doctors, I am sometimes driving 200 miles a day. I feel guilty for leaving my co-workers short-handed and for not spending enough time at home. A is wonderful as always and often has a cocktail waiting when I come through the door. I drink so seldom but the last two weeks we've went through quite a few bottles of wine plus rum.

The most stressful part of the situation is the fact that my father and I really have an oil and water type of relationship. We have such different personalities; I'm quiet, like to keep the conversation to the point, don't like to be the center of attention and don't need to chat with every person that crosses my path. My father is loud, brash and can be just down-right obnoxious. He curses constantly, makes inappropriate sexual and racist jokes to complete strangers and lacks the ability to have a conversation. I've always said he talks at you and not with you and it usually involves him saying "I did this..." and "I did that...". Mix that with him trying to make jokes with the doctors while they are doing their consults, constantly talking about the navy in 1962 and calling me 10 times at day to tell me the same thing, you can imagine my frustration. The logical part of my brain tells me he's scared and trying to deal but I can't help but get annoyed and sometimes my tolerance is lacking. I have brothers but no one has offered to step up and help out and I feel like the entire time I'm with him I'm just in charge of keeping him in line; trying to keep him focused on the issue at hand.

Now last night my mother and father were calling me because my brother and his wife were fighting, she was leaving to be with another man, and this guy was threatening my brother. They started having marital problems the last 6-8 months and it's been a back-and-forth situation. We've all tried to stay out of it but my brother calls my parents and gets them involved plus they have two small children and things are getting out of control. My brother calls may dad and gets him worried and upset and it has a negative impact on his health; last night he was sick again afterwards. Since I live near my brother, my parents always want me to keep an eye out for trouble. They were calling me until 12:30am getting the "update" as my mom calls it. The closest I've come to getting involved is telling my nephews to come to my house if they need a safe place. My primary concern is for the children living in this mess. I lived that life myself and hate the idea they are living it now too. I don't know what else I can do.

I headed to the local thrift store this afternoon still searching for a wedding dress for my Halloween consume. A and I planned to go as a zombie bride and groom but I've been searching for weeks and have not been able to find a dress; they are either overpriced or too small. A few weeks ago I did find a hideous prom/bridesmaid dress and will likely be a zombie prom queen instead. I also bought a blond 1980s big hair curly wig; this girl has never been blond for one second of my life so it will be a change.

Today I had the realization that if A ever left me I would be screwed. She asked me to stop at the store and pick up a few things on my way home. Since she was running behind at work, I had the bright idea to make dinner. As I stood there in the grocery store debating what to make, I realized it's been ages since I've cooked especially anything decent. The last 8 years my cooking has consisted of warming left-overs in the microwave and occasionally making soup, mac-and-cheese or baking cookies or a cake. I also remembered why I never liked to cook-too much stuff to clean up!!

Now to end this blah entry with a story.
I got up one morning and was just going through my normal morning routine getting ready for work. A had left already and I hear the phone ringing just as I am drying off after my shower. It's unusual for me to get a call so early so I just hurry into the living room to grab the phone in the buff. The dogs were sleeping on the couch and slowly lifted their heads when I entered the room. Suddenly they jump up and start frantically barking and growling. They charge at me barking madly. The hair even stood up on their backs!

Now I really felt I looked something like this that morning:

But the dogs must have seen something that resembled this:
In reality it is actually something in between but I couldn't help but feel a bit insulted anyway. It wasn't very good for my self-esteem, that's for sure!! Humiliations galore!!!

Fall Returns

It was a beautiful day today and we are expecting another tomorrow. We spent most of the day outside doing yard work and mostly just enjoying the sunshine and the joy of being outdoors. Fall has returned to our little corner of the world. It was the first nice weather since our long weekend in northern Wisconsin.

Several weeks ago we loaded up our crew of 4 misfit dogs and spent a long weekend at a house on the lake. Our 3.5 hour drive turned into a 5 hour trip due to the joy of road construction and a detour because the University of Wisconsin shut down the highway to have a homecoming parade. Of course we can never leave on time and the dogs were a bit restless at first, but generally they ride pretty well. My boys like to sleep in the backseat and then come check out our progress from time-to-time. Disclaimer: I unsafely took this picture blind while driving 80mph.

The old man rides in the front between A and I on a pillow I place over the console.

The friends we went to visit know the lady who owns this small resort consisting of three houses on Iron Lake. We rented the smaller house; a two bedroom with a full kitchen, living and dining room. The bonus was the other two houses were not rented for the weekend so we had the entire place to ourselves.
Nice and private, but privacy also means isolation and the freak in me has seen one too many horror movies. We survived though-no maniac wearing a hockey mask in the northwoods.

A hanging out on the deck overlooking the lake. We stayed in The Acorn cabin.

The downfall to this cabin was the small beds. A climbed into this full size bed with four dogs and it quickly became apparent there was no room for me in there too. We managed to maneuver around and sleep together at least part of the night; until one of us got too hot or cramped up from laying in one spot too long and moved to another bed. Of course then one or two dogs would follow.
On Saturday we rented ATVs and spent six hours riding the trails and pissing off the bear hunters. They call it hunting, but using dogs to run a bear up a tree and then shooting it out is not very sportsman like to me. Personally I enjoyed pissing off the bear hunters and we had a couple try to run us off the trail with their trucks while we were on ATVs. Ignorant assholes!!

My favorite part of the trip was the quiet mornings A and I had together walking along the lake and through the woods with the dogs. I am so proud of the progress my crew has made. I'll have to write about that in the future, but basically they are puppy-mill survivors who came to us unsocialized, fearful, and one nearly feral. They overcame their fear and trauma and walked along the lake and through the woods proudly; tails up and confident. It was their first overnight away from their home since they came through our door 3 years ago. They made us both so proud.

I love these last two pictures of A walking along the lake and through the woods with the old man. He is truly her dog. Have you ever taken pictures while running with a dog leash in one hand and a camera in the other? You get a lot of blurry pictures but a few priceless ones too.

Moonlight Serenade

Imagine this....
You are just reaching the point of orgasm and you hear the howling of dogs outside the bedroom door. The louder you get the louder they get and then they start scratching at the door.
How do you maintain your concentration? How do you achieve proper satisfaction with a pack of wolves howling at your door?

It's only Tuesday?

It's 35 degrees and it's been a hectic and stressfull week already.

What's the cure?

No not a noose like this guy.

Cocktails and a cuddle on the couch with your love makes it all better. :)

Snow, Stress and Home Improvement

I woke up in a foul mood this morning. Maybe it was the weather; 25 degrees and fucking snow on October 10th or maybe it's all the other things going through my head. All I know is that I'm happy that A was on-call this weekend and got called into the office this morning or I may be divorced by now.

I received a call from a family member 2 weeks ago to inform me they have been diagnosed with cancer. This person and I have not had a relationship for the last several years. I had stepped away from having a relationship with them when I just couldn't deal with their negative behavior anymore. After 30 years of hearing the same complaints, fights, and hurtful behaviors I just said I had enough-and cut off communication. I don't hate them, just couldn't handle it anymore. I know that some would say it is horrible to cut off a family member but I believe that some people are just toxic. Their negativity creeps into your life and they drag you down with them; sometimes that person is a member of your family. Anyway, this person now wants me to handle things for them if they become incapable and be the executor of their will. I feel obligated to do so and know they really have no one else dependable to handle things. So I take on this responsibility because it is my duty...and I feel the weight of this duty heavy on my shoulders.

As much as I hate to admit it I still sometimes fall into old habits of dealing with stress. I have tried to recognize the cycles and rise above the negative coping skills I learned from my parents but it is a constant battle to overcome those self-destructive habits. I am lucky to have a wonderful woman like A in my life. She knows when to just leave me alone and doesn't take everything personally. I doubt the two of us would still be together if we were closer in age (she's 14 years older). She was older and wiser when I was going through the craziness of my early and mid-twenties. She is actually a saint for putting up with me through some of those years. She was my rock, my stability and with her I grew to know myself, recognize my strengths and embrace my weaknesses.

I did manage to focus some of my energy today and painted my front door a beautiful shade of emerald green. We have lived in this house nearly 8 years with the same pale yellow-beige primed steel door; no spark, no curb-appeal, just BORING!! Since we put new siding on last fall and a new roof this spring it really made the entry just dated and drab. I didn't want a red door-too overdone (and my neighbors across the street have a red door), the idea of a blue door was just not right and I finally decided on green. It's taken weeks to find just the right shade and the effort was well worth it. Next spring-new storm door to really showcase my beautiful green door.

The Other Mother Cannot Be Trusted...

The dogs woke me early this morning with an urgent need to go out. To my surprise 4 out of 5 had diarrhea and 2 needed their butts washed before I could hop in the shower and head to work.

When I came home this afternoon I told A about my hectic morning and everyone's GI problems. She was looking a little guilty and finally fessed up. She had fed them a lot of chicken and poured greasy chicken broth on their dog food last night.

That's it--her child care duties have been revoked!!!

I was having a shitty day at work today. It's rainy and cold and the bitches I work with are still making me crazy. I checked my phone and had a message waiting.

"I wanna rip your panties off! ;)"

Suddenly the sun came out and I had a much better afternoon and an exquisite evening!! (wink, wink)

Miss Scarlett, Miss Scarlett, The Yankee's are Coming!

Not really the Yankees, but the ex-gf of A.

I came home from work yesterday afternoon and A tells me she received an email from the ex telling us she and her partner are going to be in our town Saturday and would like to stop in at our house. That's right, they invited themselves to our home. A being the gracious host she always is told them to stop in for coffee and gave them directions. Me, being my usual suspicious self, told A they are just coming to snoop. She just laughed, gave me a hug and agreed.

I've been cleaning for hours. I have been to their home and it's not spectacular or neat, but I want our home to be spotless when they arrive. I have even been shampooing carpets! I keep asking myself why I'm so nuts right now about having our home just so when they arrive. We have a small modest house and it is certainly nothing spectacular either, but it is OUR home. We purchased it together and have spent the last 8 years remodeling from the inside out, floor to ceiling.

A's ex spent many years criticizing and belittling her; she always wanted to live beyond what A could provide and never let her forget it. She has made a couple comments about how the second wife gets all the good stuff, good vacations, house, etc. Yes, maybe we have more than they did but we are both professionals who work full-time and have earned everything we have ourselves; no handouts from anyone. I'm not going to feel guilty about it and I will not let A feel guilty either!

A's ex has now met a woman who can finance the life she wanted to live all along. They have a child together, just adopted a second, bought the old Victorian house and she gets to be a stay-at-home mom (no offense to stay-at-home moms-I know it's work).

I just love A so much and I don't want her feeling like she is any less than the wonderful. beautiful person I know she is. I am fiercely protective of her, especially when it comes to this ex. I know I'm likely getting myself worked up for nothing; the visit will go fine but I like to be prepared. My guard is up...Now I will finish my cleaning.

Just Some Bitching

There are two woman at my office that drive me crazy. Sometimes to the point I'm ready to run out of the building screaming and throw myself in front of a semi. I just can't tolerate the bitching and complaining about how wrong this world is to them- just because it doesn't revolve around their every wish and desire. The last couple weeks have been especially hard because I'm stressed about other issues too. But really, is there a need to complain for 3 hours over the lack of a baby changing station at a restaurant or store. I don't have children, but I took care of my nephews a a lot and I understand it's an inconvenience but I don't consider it to be tragic. I just wanted to scream "Is your life that pointless? Can't you have a thought in your head other than breeding?" I pity the future that receives the children raised by these women; self-absorbed and ignorant with no desire to try to change the world-just bitch about it!!!


When they're not complaining about changing stations and child seats on shopping carts they are tearing apart the men in their lives. I actually feel slightly sorry for the poor dopes that impregnated them. Both of these women are control freaks; they want to raise the children, keep the house, work and cook and they are the only one who can do it right! When the men try to help they criticize and when the men back off they complain the men aren't helping enough. Maybe if I invited their husbands they would like to run out in front of a semi too!


Now I'm not a die-hard feminist but I do believe in the power and talent of woman. I grew up encouraged to do anything I wanted and to not allow myself to be held back because of my sex. I'm a girly-girl who never leaves the house without my makeup and purse, but I can also change the oil in my car, fix a toilet and have a large collection of power tools. Growing up I helped work on the cars, lawnmowers, trim trees, fix broken faucets. I was encouraged to learn these things from the men in my life so I wouldn't have to depend on someone else. I was taught by men to not have to depend on men. For me that was a normal part of growing up and I was amazed when I was older to realize not all girls knew how to do these things. Now that I'm even older I truly appreciate the things my grandfather and father taught me. The End of my Rant!!